Sowing the SeeDs Omake Theatre!
by Greenbeans
Summary: Omake Theatre for Sowing the SeeDs
1. Part 00 - The Obligatory Info Omake!

Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
THE OBLIGATORY INFO OMAKE!!!  
  
  
1. What the hell is an Omake?!  
  
  
To answer simply, "Omake" is the Japanese word for "extra."  
These usually pertain to added segments that have no actual  
relation to the story's ongoing plot...save for seeing just how  
deranged and bent the creators can be with their characters. A good  
example would be to consult the Blue Seed videos put out by ADV.  
Just watch out for Go-Go Grandma in the later omake theatres....  
  
As for the "Sowing the SeeDs" omakes, these are just the  
products of rampant imaginations, really bad puns, and waaay too  
much time on our authors' hands. So expect excessive silliness  
which will have no effect whatsoever on the more serious plot.  
After all, these are just little extras to show you readers how  
much we care.  
  
Or just how nuts we are.  
  
Either or.  
  
  
  
2. Why put Omake theatres into the fanfic? And just what is Anime?  
  
  
Odds are that a number of you reading the "Sowing the SeeDs"  
fanfic will be strictly FFVIII lovers. Or else video game lovers.  
However, the Final Fantasy series has always been created by the  
Japanese company Square Electronic Arts, L.L.C. As a result, there   
are a number of gags and nuances in the games that are related to   
Anime (Japanese animation).   
  
We will put forward a slice of personal opinion here and state  
in no uncertain terms that Anime kicks ass above and beyond North  
American animation...especially Di$ney. In Japan, Anime is meant  
for all kinds of audiences: children, teens and adults. These shows  
range from:  
  
  
-children's shows (almost anything from Studio Ghibli, Hello  
Kitty)  
  
-cutesy magical girls (Sailor Moon, Card Captor Sakura)   
  
-strictly testosterone-driven combat (Street Fighter, Tekken)  
  
-large robots or mobile suits (Gundam, Mazinger Z)  
  
-science fiction (Harlock, Cowboy BeBop, Bubblegum Crisis)  
  
-sheer bizarre creations (Idol Project, Blazing Transfer  
Student)  
  
-psychological drama (Lain, Evangelion, Perfect Blue)  
  
-romantic comedy/drama (KareKano, Tenchi Muyo!, Marmalade Boy)  
  
-fantasy (Mononoke Hime, El Hazard, Slayers, Fushigi Yugi)  
  
-hentai, which are X-rated shows with rampant lesbianism &  
naughty tentacles (La Blue Girl, Urotsuki Doji)  
  
  
And so forth.  
  
There are even more titles and even more sub-genres than the  
ones we've listed here. With any luck, we'll make you all rabid  
otaku (Japanese for "obsessed fan," usually reserved for lovers of  
Anime), so you'll go out and buy these great shows. Well...most of  
them are great. Most hentai anime are just plain stupid though.  
  
So what's the deal with our explanation about Anime?  
  
Well, as it just so happens the authors behind the "Sowing the  
SeeDs" omakes are rabid otaku. As a result, there are a number of  
gags and nuances within the fic that only Anime fans will get. Any  
of you out there who are limited to the video game world may not be  
able to figure out what we mean.  
  
Hence the reason this obligatory info omake was added.  
  
  
3. What is SD? And what's a Chibi-Xu?  
  
  
SD is the short form for "super-deformed." It's a sight gag in  
which a character is reduced to a shrunken, half-pint version of  
themselves. The end result makes said character look utterly  
ridiculous and never to be taken seriously. When one is SD, their  
attitudes tend to go to the extreme, making an SD character a  
veritable terror.   
  
Some characters are born super-deformed, or can switch from  
normal mode to SD mode at the drop of a hat. An Anime which  
showcases this very well is Dragon Half. So what happens when you  
have a very serious character who you could never imagine looking  
so short and stupid?  
  
You shrink them down and toss them into an omake!  
  
Many otaku enjoy seeing otherwise serious and well-loved Anime  
characters kick back and go nuts, doing things they would never be  
caught dead doing in their actual series. If you haven't already  
guessed, the SeeDfic omakes fall into this latter category. Can  
anyone here imagine an SD Xu with a clean conscience?  
  
We're sure someone out there can.  
  
But the majority of you get this to help you along!  
  
The next question you might be asking yourself is: if the term  
is called SD, then why are all the shrunken FFVIII characters in the  
omakes called Chibi-so-and-so?  
  
The word "chibi" is Japanese for "small", and it's usually a  
term of endearment or affection. When one is rendered chibi, one  
tends to be considered rather small and cute at the same time. A  
chibi version of someone is very close to if not the same thing as  
being super-deformed. Only the hyperactivity varies. So instead of  
writing all the omake characters as SD-so-and-so, we opted to write  
them as Chibi-so-and-so.  
  
In conclusion: when Xu is reduced to her half-pint hyperactive  
size, she's called Chibi-Xu. Quistis becomes a cute li'l Chibi-  
Quistis. And so forth.  
  
  
4. What is rapid dialogue mode?  
  
  
Rapid dialogue mode is something His lordship Chaos tends to  
enjoy playing with a lot in one of his more lunatic-driven series.  
RDM is when the characters and story suddenly switch into script  
format as opposed to narration. This tends to help emphasis a  
really silly or stupid moment. Nine times out of ten you're being  
set up for a really bad pun.  
  
  
5. What is a sweatdrop? An eyebrow twitch? A facevault?  
  
  
All these three are physical sight gags in Anime, used to  
express a character's emotions. The severity of the reaction  
depends on the mood. Usually when a character does this, he/she is  
worried, agitated, unimpressed, or just plain surprised.  
  
A sweatdrop is literally a large tear-shaped droplet that  
appears next to a character's head when they are concerned or in  
disbelief. We are not making this up. Really.  
  
An eyebrow twitch is literally an eyebrow twitching up and  
down in a rapid but rhythmic pattern. This tends to express more  
annoyance or agitation at someone or something.  
  
A facevalt/facefault (depending on whose fic you read) is  
where someone is startled by incredible disbelief, and trips and  
falls flat on their faces. This usually results from a character  
saying something reeeeeaaaally stupid.  
  
When in RDM, Emoticons are usually used to add to the  
portrayal of these sight gags. Emoticons are those funny little  
faces you make with your various icon keys in emails, in case you  
were unaware.  
  
  
; This usually represents a sweatdrop. The more agitated  
one is, the more sweatdrops they have.  
  
  
;_; This is a crying face. Used when one is sad or in a  
great deal of pain.   
  
  
--; Used when someone is unimpressed or in disbelief. Their  
eyes are narrowed, and the sweatdrop is present.  
  
  
^-^ A happy character. Nuff said.  
  
  
^^ Happy character, version 2.0. Anime characters are  
prone to suddenly becoming all eyes, their noses and/or  
mouths disappearing altogether.  
  
^-^v A happy character giving the V-sign. It's essentially  
the peace sign (index and middle fingers held up in a V  
formation), but in Japan this means "Victory!" or  
"cool!"  
  
o.O; A startled expression, where one eye tends to bug out  
more than the other. Sweatdrops are optional, added  
only to amplify the person's shock.  
  
  
x_x A battered li'l character. They're either dead or  
really got the crap kicked out of them.  
  
  
@.@ A dazed/stunned li'l character. They're not dead, but  
sufficiently out of it. They either hurt themselves  
physically (got the crap kicked out of them) or  
mentally (read a bad Squall and Quistis hentai fanfic,  
and are now paying for it).  
  
  
. The horror! The horror! Someone's squeezing their eyes  
shut and wincing at the nasty pain caused by something.  
For example, that bad Squall and Quistis lemon....  
  
  
;p Look at this sideways and you'll see someone winking  
and sticking out their tongue. If a character does this,  
they're just being playful.  
  
  
:p A happy li'l face sticking their tongue out, sans wink.  
It still means the same thing, though.  
  
) A character that's plotting something evil. They have  
a smile on their face while their brows have arched   
down.  
  
  
p Someone's making an evil smile whilst sticking their  
tongue out. Used a lot when characters are taunting  
each other.  
  
  
6. What do these strange words mean?  
  
  
Okay, since this is a Japanese-based game, and we're all Anime  
lovers writing this, you will find a lot of Japanese catch  
words/phrases we've picked up over the years. This mini-glossary  
should have every Japanese word we've used, and its significance:  
  
  
Baka: idiot (nothing's more insulting in Japan than being  
called an idiot).  
  
  
-chan: this suffix comes after a name. It's a term of  
affection, reserved usually for someone you like, or  
someone younger than yourself.  
  
  
Kawaii: cute  
  
  
Hentai: pervert (Note: pervertedness has levels in Japan.  
Ecchi means you're only slightly perverted. Hentai is the  
next step up. Sukebe means you've got a healthy  
testosterone level...if you're a herd of male bull  
elephants during the rutting season).  
  
  
Hai: yes  
  
  
Wai!: yay!  
  
  
Fanservice: more an Anime catch word. It essentially means a  
nude scene. Literally, you're servicing the fans. Often  
associated with ecchi or hentai Anime.  
  
  
Shimatta: damn!  
  
  
Kuso: shit!  
  
  
Jo'o-sama: Queen/Mistress. This is generally (and  
frantically) said by some hapless guy getting chased after  
and whipped by a dominatrix in black leather who wants him  
to lick her boots. Used a lot in fics written by His  
lordship Chaos.  
  
  
Sensei: teacher/instructor  
  
  
Avatar: fanfiction catch word. It's when the author self-  
inserts themselves into a fic. This incarnation is an avatar,  
and more often than not used for evil god-like purposes of  
stroking the author's ego.  
  
  
Ano: literally, "Um...."  
  
  
-san: suffix for Mr. or Mrs., used as a term of respect  
  
  
-sama: suffix for master, someone deserving of your  
respect...or fear. Look at how it's used in Jo'o-sama, for  
example.   
  
  
Itai: Ouch!  
  
  
Mame: Bean  
  



	2. Part 01 - Omake Theatre Prelude!

  
Xu was summoned to the Garden's conference room, where Quistis  
and Cid were already waiting for her. She saluted the Headmaster  
smartly before relaxing. She pursed his lips together tightly as  
an uncharacteristic look of annoyance marred his usually relaxed  
disposition.  
  
"You called for me, sir?"  
  
"Yes. The Garden was infiltrated by *them* again last night.  
Will you kindly undertake their interrogation and then get rid of  
them?" He waved towards one of the adjoining rooms with aggravation.  
"Take Quistis with you. She should be familiar with these  
scoundrels."  
  
"As you wish." She saluted again. Their files were already  
pulled out and laying on a table for her. How on earth did they  
manage to get past the guards *again*? Security at the Garden was a  
touchy issue as of late considering their numerous invasions. There  
were three of them, though only one was enough to cause Cid to  
suffer from a nasty eyebrow twitch.  
  
She had no desire to waste her time with them either. Best to  
get this over with quickly and then dump them into Balamb Bay if  
she could punt them that far.  
  
The door Xu went through lead into a hallway with three  
adjoining rooms. She paused outside the first door to speak with  
Quistis. "We'll interrogate their leader first. Keep your guard up.  
She may seem harmless, but you never can tell with their type."  
  
"Who are they?" she asked, curious as to if she should go back  
and get her weapons before going into the room.  
  
"Your greatest enemy." Xu walked through the door with Quistis  
in tow. "The authors."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
  
  
  
  
OMAKE THEATRE PRELUDE!!!  
  
  
  
A woman dressed in khaki colored cargo shorts, hiking boots,  
and a green tee-shirt that read 'Byte Me =)' sat on a small couch  
with her hands in her lap. The hair on her head was cut in a short  
boyish style and was dishwater blonde in color. A pair of wire  
framed glasses sat on the bridge of her nose. She stood up  
immediately at seeing Xu and Quistis enter the room.  
  
"It's been...what, a week?" Xu didn't waste any time on  
pleasantries.  
  
The woman, who appeared to be in her early twenties, nodded her  
head meekly, refusing to meet Xu's eyes.  
  
Xu flipped open one of the folders in her hand and began  
reading from it for Quistis' benefit.  
  
"Nickname: Greenbeans. Real name: Amanda Anderson." She  
paused. "I can see why you go by a nickname, you can't get much  
more generic than your real name."  
  
"My entire family is that way," she answered softly.  
  
Xu hummed and scribbled down a quick note. "It appears as  
though we didn't finish filling this out the last time you were  
here, shall we finish now?" She didn't wait for the woman to answer  
before moving along. "Favorite video game?"  
  
"Final Fantasy VI," was the immediate answer.  
  
"VI?" Quistis puzzled over that. "Don't you mean VIII?"  
  
Beans shook her head.   
  
Xu continued, "Next favorite game?"  
  
"Crystalis."  
  
Xu pinned her back with an icy look. "A *NES* game rates  
higher with you than Final Fantasy VII! Why don't you go torture  
*their* corner of the fanfic universe and leave ours alone?!"  
  
The author shuffled some.  
  
"Okay, one last chance. Third favorite game?"  
  
"Tetris."  
  
Xu instantly froze in mid-scribble, her eyes slowly looking  
away from the paper and towards Beans. "I should hurt you," she   
stated. Xu didn't let this revelation get under her skin. She  
brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear to regain her   
composure. "Enough of that. Why did you break into the Garden this   
time?"  
  
"Where else would a bean go besides a Garden?" She finally met  
Xu's eyes with a hopeful look.  
  
Quistis noticed that this answer only seemed to aggravate Xu  
more. Her mentor pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb  
and her forefinger, a sure sign that she was quickly losing her  
patience.  
  
"You see Quistis, she believes that she's a member of the  
plant kingdom. She's not, of course, but authors tend to be a  
little off their rocker."  
  
"But I am a bean," the author protested quietly, but firmly.  
  
"Were you born from a seed?" Xu snapped.  
  
"No," she allowed slowly. "But I'd gladly be a SeeD if I  
could." The childlike, hopeful look lit her eyes again.  
  
Xu snapped the folder shut. "You are not from a seed. You will  
never be a SeeD. Get the hell out of here and never come back!"   
  
She pointed towards the door where an escort was waiting to  
take the author off the ground with a stern reprimand to not  
return.  
  
"Will you be all right?" Quistis asked. That had certainly  
been a disturbing encounter. Not only to see someone as messed up  
as the author, but to also watch Xu look her cool like that.  
  
"Yes, I'm fine," she took a deep breath. "Beans is the  
mastermind behind this fic. She's the one who organizes her two co-  
conspirators and does much of the research. Apparently she's had  
some measure of success writing Sailor Moon fanfiction and decided  
to take a vacation in our world. Hopefully she'll become bored soon  
and go back to tormenting Sailor Moon characters."  
  
"I see...." Quistis said sagely. She sort of did. The authors  
could jump from series to series to create havoc amongst the world,  
she understood that much. And they had *three* of these demons to  
deal with.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
After a few moments of quiet meditation to restore her  
equilibrium, Xu led them into the next room. Quistis' jaw nearly  
hit the floor. "I thought you got rid Beans!" she exclaimed,  
startled at seeing the author they'd just spoken to.  
  
"Meet His lordship Chaos, or Chaos for short," Xu gestured at  
him. He looked exactly like Beans except that he was wearing faded  
jeans and a white tee-shirt. Oddly enough, his tee-shirt had some  
kind of strange Anime picture that resembled an SD version of  
himself getting attacked by a playfully carnivorous lizard. Beneath  
the picture was a caption that said 'Get Cursed: Otaku no Noroi.'  
  
Chaos was amusing himself by kicking around on a swivel chair  
as fast as he could. Xu abruptly brought him to a halt with a well  
placed foot. And Chaos painfully discovered the law of inertia as  
he was unceremoniously flung out of his chair and tumbled to the  
floor in a heap. But he bounced back into his chair with a suave  
look as if to imply he'd planned that.  
  
"Xu-chan!" he exclaimed happily, opening his arms to hug the  
SeeD cadet. "How are you doing? Give us a kiss!"  
  
With a great deal of visible restraint, Xu only firmly pushed  
Chaos back into the chair. "Cut the chit chat."  
  
His lordship Chaos crossed his arms over his chest and pouted.  
"That's no way to talk to one of your authors."  
  
Quistis noted with a degree of concern just how much Xu was  
clenching the pen in her hand. At this rate, the writing instrument  
would be crushed into fine powder from Xu's talon-like grip. Xu  
opened his folder and began reading from it. "Nickname: His  
lordship Chaos. Real name: ...I can't read it. Did you scribble it  
on here with crayon?"   
  
She pinned him back with a glare.  
  
He flashed her a sincere smile. "It was either that or Magic  
Marker. But because it's you, Xu, I decided on the crayons. Did you  
want one?" The author raised his two clenched fists, sharpened  
crayons neatly nestled between each finger like they were shuriken  
darts.  
  
"Freak," Xu said, not even bothering to mutter that under her  
breath.   
  
Quistis fought the urge to step back and hide behind Xu for  
protection. "Is he insane?"  
  
Sadly, Xu shook her head. "Actually, he's a pretty ingenious  
author...even if no one's been able to figure out the method to his  
madness."  
  
Chaos shrugged. "Damned if I've been able to myself!"   
  
Xu rolled her eyes, scanning the files on this author. "Who  
would have thought you actually had a brain to damage in the first  
place? Let's see, your file isn't complete either. What's your  
favorite video game?"  
  
"Video game?" He quirked his head sideways, looking up at her  
from an odd angle in a coy manner.  
  
"Yes, video game. What's your favorite one?" She asked with  
tremendous patience.  
  
He laughed and kicked himself around again while answering, "I  
don't play video games! Unless Pong counts."  
  
She stopped his spinning, and leveled a cold hard glare at  
him. "How can you be co-authoring a fanfic based on a video game  
and not play them? Have you even played Final Fantasy VIII?" she  
demanded.  
  
"Nope! But I think I've seen my friends play it," the  
infuriatingly playful grin never left his face.  
  
Quistis' jaw hung open as Xu resumed massaging the bridge of  
her nose. "Let me guess. Beans provides you with all the  
information you need and you take your cues from her?"  
  
Chaos winked at Xu. "Bingo!" he announced gleefully.  
  
"That's insane!" Quistis gasped with disbelief.  
  
"No," Chaos corrected her. "That's what makes it more fun!"  
  
Xu pointed to the door. "Get out."  
  
Chaos rolled his eyes as he stood up. "Everyone's a critic,"  
he sighed, sliding his hands into his pockets.   
  
He gave Xu a quick peck on the cheek, then patted Quistis on  
the head. "Look forward to working with you in the future," he  
called out over his shoulder, waving at them as he headed for the  
door.  
  
"He still looks so much like Beans," Quistis pressed.  
  
Chaos abruptly stopped right in the doorway as he heard the  
prodigy SeeD. "I know, I know; in real life, Beans and I look  
frighteningly like fraternal twins. But maybe this will help make  
the distinction!"  
  
Suddenly His lordship Chaos was wearing long red dress, a de-  
thorned rose being held between his teeth. Before Xu could react,  
Chaos had swept her off her feet, and was leading her in a tango.  
  
Chaos: ^-^ "Spin me, Xu!"  
  
Xu: o.O "WHAT THE HELL?!"  
  
SD Monkees: [singing in the background] "Then I saw her face! Now  
I'm a believer!"  
  
  
"Get your hands off my butt!" Xu bellowed, dropkicking Chaos  
out of the room. Moments later the half-pint versions of the  
Monkees (and their instruments) were punted out after him.  
  
The door was slammed shut behind them.  
  
Quistis couldn't shake the sinking feeling of dread that  
gnawed at her stomach. Their world was left in the hands of someone  
like *him*. "Wh-What was Beans thinking in recruiting him?" she  
asked quietly.  
  
"Chaos is another author from the Sailor Moon universe," Xu  
explained. "He's got a bizarre cult following too--not that I want  
to know about it. His stories are either as insane as he is, or  
just plain surreal...."  
  
Her voice trailed off ominously.  
  
Quistis didn't want to ask. "Doesn't he know the middle  
ground?"  
  
"That's what Beans is for," Xu sighed and shook her head.   
"One more left. Are you feeling up to it?"  
  
"I don't know," Quistis answered hesitantly.   
  
What she'd seen so far shook her to the very core.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
The last room held a man in his mid-twenties with his curly  
hair pulled back into a pony tail. Upon seeing them he stood away  
from the wall he was leaning against and bowed politely.  
  
"This is Corvus," Xu gestured at the man. He smiled kindly at  
Quistis before offering his hand to shake. "Real name: unknown.  
Favorite video game: Gradius?" Xu let out a soft sigh. "How is it  
that Final Fantasy VIII isn't *any* of you goof-offs' favorite?"  
  
"I like Final Fantasy VIII well enough. When Beans invited me   
to join her on this mission, I couldn't possibly refuse," he  
responded.  
  
To Quistis' inexpert eye, he seemed to be the most sane of the  
lot. He was well spoken and hadn't made any outrageous statements  
yet. He started fiddling with something in his pocket, then pulled  
out a small butter knife.  
  
Xu tried to take it from him, but he resisted. "You can't take  
the knife away from a Tonberry!" he protested.  
  
She promptly used her disarming techniques to wrench the knife  
away from him. "No 'Everyone's Grudge' for you, Mister Tonberry,"  
she sneered.  
  
He crossed his arms to pout. "You're no fun."  
  
Now Quistis was matching Cid's rhythmic eye twitching. "He  
thinks he's a Tonberry?"  
  
"Only part of the time. He's pretty normal, but then he goes  
into either Tonberry or Carbuncle mode. Something about girls  
finding little green creatures to be irresistibly cute."  
  
"That's a new one by me...."   
  
Some guys would do anything to pick up a girl.  
  
Xu opened the door for him. "You know the drill. Out with you.  
And don't let me catch you around here again!"  
  
"Will you go out with me if I come back?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"OUT!" She kicked him in the pants on his way out the door.  
  
"That certainly was...interesting," Quistis drawled.  
  
"You don't know the half of it," Xu agreed. "Corvus is an  
author who is still making a name for himself on the Sailor Moon  
scene. He's got a lot of raw talent that's being put to mischievous  
ends in our world. He's one to watch out for."  
  
Xu cast an uneasy glance at the door. "It's always the quieter  
ones who are the most dangerous."  
  
"Will they be back?" Quistis asked in a frightened whisper.  
  
"No doubt about it. Be afraid. Be *very* afraid."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
Seated happily in the Quad and enjoying the sunshine (well, at  
least one of them was), His lordship Chaos waved over to Corvus.  
"So, did Xu kick your ass too?" he inquired.  
  
Corvus nodded. "Though not as loudly as she did yours, I  
note."  
  
"Well, she had to kick my super-deformed band's asses out of  
the room too," Chaos sighed, lounging back on the top of one of the  
picnic table.  
  
Actually seated on the bench of the table, Greenbeans frowned   
at Chaos. "This is all your fault," she stated.  
  
Chaos sniffed indignantly. "And just how do you figure that?"  
  
"We were doing fine on our nightly Garden excursion when  
*someone* had to sneak into the Cafeteria and choke on a hot dog!"  
Corvus retorted darkly, taking a seat next to Beans.  
  
"Well, I was curious!" Chaos protested, getting slightly  
flustered in defending himself. "The game rants and raves about the  
infamy of said hot dogs, and I wanted to be precise about my part in  
the fic. I wanted the truth about those hot dogs!"  
  
Retorted Corvus, "You can't handle to truth!"  
  
"Chaos, you couldn't even handle swallowing properly," Beans  
added. She sighed, casting a longing glance around Balamb Garden.  
"I can't believe we're going to get kicked out of this place  
*again*! And we barely got to interact with the SeeD cadets too."  
  
She hung her head, going into a sulking beanie mode.  
  
An impish grip appeared on Chaos' face. "Oh, I wouldn't call  
this a total loss," he countered.  
  
Corvus and Beans immediately leaned forward in grave  
suspicion. "What did you do this time?" Beans asked, her eyes  
narrowing at her co-conspirator.  
  
Feigning angelic innocence, Chaos began to spin a set of keys  
around his index finger. "Anyone want to take a Galbadian kamikaze  
motorcycle out for a test drive?"  
  
Corvus: ^-^ "Yo!"  
  
Beans: [shooting Corvus a dirty look] "......"  
  
Corvus: "I'll wear a helmet, I promise."  
  
  
"You know," Beans added, looking around. "I'm probably the  
last person who would say this, but with all the grief we've given  
the Garden, why don't we have an armed escort watching us?"  
  
"Oh, that?" Chaos remarked, as if it were a mere afterthought  
to him. Still lying back on the table, he raised a hand and thumbed  
over to one part of the Quad. "They're busy chasing a friend of  
mine."  
  
  
[Cue the fanboy Havoc happily bounding through the Garden with  
armfuls of women's underwear!]  
  
Havoc: ^-^ "Panties! Glorious silken treasures!"  
  
Female SeeD cadets: [chasing after Havoc] "Give those back, you  
freak!"  
  
  
His lordship Chaos chuckled as the commotion raced past them,  
no SeeD or SeeD cadet so much as giving the trio of authors a  
second glance. "Ah, the fics are alive with the sound of hentai,"  
he sighed wistfully.  
  
Corvus and Beans slowly turned to Chaos with wide eyes.  
"......" was all they could manage to get out for quite some time.  
  
"You...brought your uberperv along?" Beans finally stammered.  
  
Chaos nodded, sitting up and stretching out his arms. "Yep. I  
figured we might need a distraction, so I made sure to keep a non-  
sequitor gag like Havoc close by." He turned to the other two  
authors, giving them a sincere smile. "They're going to be rather  
busy with Havoc for quite some time. So who's up for touring the  
Garden?"  
  
  
to be continued....  
  



	3. Part 02 - Omake Theatre 1!

It was war.  
  
Ranks upon ranks of the Galbadian battalions had assembled in the fields of   
the Centra continent. Across from them came the daunting SeeD skimmers,   
their ramps opening to let dozens of SeeD operatives race down. The charge   
was made without a signal.  
  
A loud battle cry from the Galbadian armies was lifted to the heavens. The   
SeeDs merely readied their weapons as they went ahead of the   
heavily-armoured transports.  
  
Soldiers collided in a blood-soaked line, the one effortless charge now   
becoming thousands of small skirmishes between each other. Suddenly one lone   
warrior broke through, cutting a gruesome path through the very heart of the   
Galbadian numbers.  
  
Eyes wide and wild all at once, Sean frantically searched the ocean of   
moving soldiers for a single, familiar face. "Xu!" he shouted over the dim   
of battle. "XU!!"  
  
  
GREENBEANS PRESENTS  
  
  
He was forced to reload his pistol, spinning it around his finger once the   
spent shells were replaced. Out from the blurs of armour and clashing   
weapons, a Galbadian soldier leapt into the air, screaming as he tried to   
rake the blade of his sword down against Sean's back.  
  
Sean whirled, firing off a single round that buried itself into the enemy's   
face. "I don't have time for this!" he snapped angrily as the flash from the   
barrel of his gun lit up the steely glare in his eyes.  
  
Body sent out of control from instant death, the Galbadian soldier twisted   
and crashed onto the ground. His sword spun in the air, sinking into the   
ground a few steps away from where Sean stood.  
  
"Shit," he swore. "Xu, where are you?"  
  
And then he saw her.  
  
She looked beautiful, even in the heat of battle as she brandished her sai   
and took down a trio of Galbadian soldiers. That fierce expression, sweat   
running down her skin as her dark hair danced around her face, she looked   
like a goddess of war.  
  
Sean couldn't keep from smiling.  
  
A Galbadian abruptly rose up behind her.  
  
Sean's eyes widened as he saw the shadow fall over Xu. His reflexes saw him   
raising the pistol in her direction, mind barely conscious of aiming. He   
could only pray that his reflexes would be fast enough this time.  
  
"XU!"  
  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE FFVIII UNIVERSE  
  
  
  
Xu spun around, realizing too late the fate that would befall her as the   
Galbadian raised his halberd. The look in her eyes was a combination of   
shock that she was about to die, and an eerie calm knowing this was   
inevitable in battle.  
  
Yet her death didn't come.  
  
Sean's bullet struck the Galbadian, and he stumbled sideways before   
tumbling forward. He was dead before he hit the ground. Xu dodged the feeble   
swipe from the halberd, turning her head towards Sean.  
  
Already he was pushing through numerous other small battles to reach her.   
She raced from her side, and they firmly embraced each other when they at   
last met.  
  
"You're safe," he said, unable to contain the look of relief on his face as   
he refused to let her go. "I thought I had lost you."  
  
Xu's eyes welled up with tears. "Sean...."  
  
The heat of battle was lost between them.  
  
With trembling hands she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, drawing him   
closer. Their warm breaths were felt against the other's skin. And even as   
their eyes closed, their lips still came together in a flawless, passionate   
kiss.  
  
  
A COMPLETE LIE!!!  
  
  
[Cue the SD FFVIII fic characters dancing across the screen!]  
  
All: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!"  
  
[Suddenly everyone panics and makes a mad dash off the screen. Moments   
later, an irate SD Cloud Strife chases after them on his motorcycle.]  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE 1!!  
  
[Chibi versions of Sean and LeVar are walking down the centre aisle of   
a SeeD transport train. On either side we can see numerous seats filled by   
many a chibified female cadet. Naturally Chibi-Sean is smiling, while   
Chibi-LeVar remains wary of the entire situation.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^^ "I love Omakes! I'm don't have to be dead all the time with   
these babies around."  
  
Chibi-LeVar: --;; [thumbing over to Chibi-Sean] "Why do I have get paired   
with this yo-yo for the Omake?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "This is so cool; we're on a train full of cute SeeD babes!"  
  
[Chibi-Sean slides into the seat next to Chibi-Xu.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^^ "Hey babe, wanna pollinate with a real--?"  
  
Chibi-Xu's fist: *WHAM!*  
  
Chibi-Sean: [tenderly rubbing the bump on his head] "Ow! What was that for?"  
  
Chibi-LeVar: "Other than that horrid flower pun? You'd think the authors had   
run out of those stupid jokes by now."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "You stay outta this, cameo-boy! I got more fic time than you, so   
I've got more authority here."  
  
Chibi-LeVar: "And I do seem to recall someone getting eaten by a T-Rexaur at   
the end of this chapter."  
  
Chibi-Sean: --;; "Rub it in, why don't you? They still haven't found one of   
my kidneys yet."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "They're not going to be able to find your *other* one either in a   
few seconds, Sean."  
  
[Chibi-Xu sends her knee into Chibi-Sean's side.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: o.O [erk!]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "I don't understand what my author ever saw in you. If you don't   
behave, I'm going to see to it you get killed off in the Omake theatres   
too."  
  
[The two guys watched her angrily walk off.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: [trying to figure out where his remaining kidney is] "She wants   
me."  
  
Chibi-LeVar: "Dead or alive?"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [popping up from a row of chairs behind Chibi-Sean]   
"Sean-sempai, why do you chase girls around like that?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^^ "Because it's what I do best!"  
  
Chibi-LeVar: [sweatdropping] "Baaaaaaka."  
  
[Chibi-Quistis abruptly turns to the person sitting next to her. As the   
camera pans back we see it's Chibi-Greenbeans, who is trying to figure out   
why the buttons on her uniform lapels aren't lining up properly.]  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: [muttering to herself] "Stupid tie...don't they have   
casual kill-days?"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Um...Mame-san, you're on."  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: O.o "Oh. So what are we doing in today's Omake,  
Quistis-chan?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [sliding up next to Chibi-Rinoa] "Say, you're from that Timber   
Wolf gang, right? I bet I could make you howl...but not at the moon!"  
  
[Chibi-Rinoa turns her cannon on Chibi-Sean.]  
  
Chibi-Rinoa: "This is supposed to be a rated-G rant, you pervert!"  
  
Cannon: *BOOM!*  
  
Chibi-Sean: --;; [barbecued li'l SeeD] "I feel I'm being unfairly used as   
the butt of this Omake's jokes."  
  
Chibi-LeVar: "Maybe it's karma for all that innuendo you've pulled since   
your character was first introduced. And she's with the Timber *Owls*, you   
moron!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Oh whine, whine, whine! You're just jealous because I get to   
have my own side-story...even though I'm dead! HA!!"  
  
Chibi-LeVar: [eyebrow twitch!] "What? Greenbeans, is he serious? So what   
about my cameo?!"  
  
Chibi-Greebeans: [sighs as she massages her forehead] "This is the last time   
I let authors have avatar incarnations in my fics. Contrary to what you two   
might think, I am not an employer and this is *not* 'Beanie's Avatar Temp   
Service'."  
  
Chibi-Eileen: "Greenbeans, Helen Fong is here about that possible cameo   
opening in chapter 3."  
  
Chibi-LeVar & Chibi-Sean: [slowly turning to Greenbeans] "......"  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: [sweatdrop!] "Eileen, we need to discuss your sense of   
timing--and lack thereof."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [shaking her head] "This has to be one of the strangest   
SeeDfics I've ever been written into."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Hey, I just thought of something!"  
  
Chibi-LeVar: [dryly] "I suppose there needs to be a first time for   
everything."  
  
Chibi-Sean: [hmph!] "Aha haaaaa...cute. But think about it: we're in a   
FFVIII fanfic featuring the SeeD Garden, and it's being written by an author   
named Greenbeans. Beans, SeeD: coincidence? I think not."  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: [eyebrow twitch] "Okay, that was your final warning. Get   
the T-Rexaur in here!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: --;; "Crap."  
  
  
[End!] 


	4. Part 03 - Omake Theatre 2!

[Cue the SD FFVIII fic characters dancing across the screen!]  
  
All: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!"  
  
[Suddenly an oversized Chocobo shows up and sits on everyone  
as if they're eggs. All we see are numerous pairs of tiny legs  
thrashing around from beneath the Chocobo.]  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE 2!!  
  
  
[Chibi versions of Xu, Quistis, Sean, and Sean's father are  
standing behind a workbench. Xu and Sean are wearing their usual   
SeeD cadet uniforms. Quistis is looking cute in her uniform. Sean's  
father has a strange Choco Choco apron on, and the appropriate  
safety goggles for working with weapons.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Welcome to Omake Theatre, where our task is to plant the  
SeeDs of knowledge in the minds of our readers!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "That has to be one of the most atrocious plant puns I  
have ever heard."  
  
Chibi-Xu: --;; "You think you can come up with something better, be  
my guest!"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [sigh!] "It's shameless the way you two flirt."  
  
[Chibi-Xu blushes while Chibi-Sean takes a sudden interest in  
something on the ceiling.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Today, we're going to discuss how junk shops work and  
how items modify weapons. Sean's father, who is Weapons Smith and  
junk shop owner, will be assisting us today."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [to Sean's father] "Have I ever met you?"  
  
Sean's father: "Not in the regular story. This is a guest segment,  
the rules can be bent here."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Ahhhhh..."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Anyhow, we're going to need some items to work with!"  
  
[She looks around her, suddenly noticing that there is nothing  
on the workbench for them to fiddle with. Inspiration strikes and  
she reaches out through the monitor to snag several items off of  
the reader's desk.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Thanks, these will work. Let's see...stapler, tape, post  
it notes, tacky stuff, child proof sciss--"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: --; [looking out at the reader] "They don't trust  
you, do they?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [peering out at the reader's desk] "Hey, there's a FFVIII  
fanart book they've got there too! I wonder of they've got any  
fanservice pics in it."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [???] "Fanservice? What's that?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: o.O;  
  
[A nervous Chibi-Sean glances over his shoulder to a thoroughly   
unimpressed Chibi-Xu.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Um...we'll talk about it when you're older, Quistis."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [glare!] "Especially if you value your chibified life  
here in the omakes, buddy."  
  
[Chibi-Xu turns to Sean's father.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Can you do anything with this stuff?"  
  
Sean's father: "Well, I'll try upgrading the scissors."  
  
[He takes the scissors and the tacky stuff and turns his back  
to the monitor. While we wait for the results, Chibi-Xu continues  
her explanation.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "In the world of Final Fantasy 8, every person has a  
weapon. When they decide to upgrade that weapon, they physically do  
it instead of going to a shop and buying a completely new one like  
in previous games."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "The catch is: you have to first know what you want.  
To get ideas, you can flip through weapons magazines such as this  
one!"  
  
[She holds up a copy of 'GQ: Gunblade Quarterly'.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: --; "Where did you get that?"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: ^^v "Kei gave it to me."  
  
Chibi-Sean: [sorting through more magazines] "Alright! SeeDs  
Illustrated swimsuit edition! Hey, Xu, aren't you wearing a two-  
piece in this one...?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [grabbing the magazine] "Give me thaaaaat!"  
  
Sean's father: "Done! How's this?"  
  
[He places a pair of grade school quality scissors on the desk.   
Chibi-Xu sweatdrops.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: --; "Well, it is an improvement. Materials are the other  
thing that make a difference. Why don't you try it again?"  
  
[Chibi-Xu hands him the rest of the junk on the workbench and the   
child scissors and sends him away.]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [flipping through the weapons magazine] "Wow, some  
of the items needed for the best weapons are really rare!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Exactly! Weapon modification is an art. The best items  
can be gathered from the toughest of monsters. You have to be  
really dedicated if you want the cream of the crop!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Yet another bad plant pun."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Hush! Why don't you do something useful for once in this  
omake and help us talk about weapons?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "I don't need anything other than my trusty pistol.  
Damn, am just so cool or what?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [sweatdrop!] "I don't believe this."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: ^^ "When I get older, I know what weapon I want to  
use!"  
  
  
[We suddenly switch omake discs, jumping over to Balamb Garden's   
training centre. As the theme music for Jurassic Park is heard in   
the background, a small SeeD landrover moves through the brush.]  
  
Chibi-Cid: [dressed up as a tour guide] "...and to your left you  
can see a Grat. Watch out, they spit!"  
  
Grat: *Hooooock! Ptooooie!*  
  
[Chibi-Xu abruptly ducks as the monster spitwad flies through  
the open window and hits Chibi-Sean on the side of the head.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: ;_; [dripping with mucus] "Xu-chaaaaan! I thought we  
had something special together!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [smiles demurely at him] "Yes, and you make such a  
wonderful human shield too."  
  
[A vibration which resembles a large footstep causes the landrover   
to tremble.]  
  
Chibi-Cid: "Stop the car! Did any of you feel that?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Something big must be coming this way."  
  
[The two SeeD cadets lean forward to examine a small tray filled   
with their spell-casting beads. As another rumbling footstep is   
heard, a ripple runs through the beads like water.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Are you scared?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "No."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "You sure you don't want me to hold you?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [pulling out her sai] "Don't make me use this, buddy."  
  
Chibi-Cid: [pointing in front of the car] "Here it comes! Look  
out!"  
  
[Suddenly a frightened T-Rexaur crashes through the trees,   
completely ignoring the stunned cadets in the landrover. It races  
past them, a young SeeD-to-be chasing after the monster!]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [cracking her whip as she runs by] "WOH HO HOH HO  
HOH!! Come back here! I haven't finished punishing you yet!"  
  
Chibi T-Rexaur: o.O [terrified li'l dino-monster] "JO'O-  
SAMAAAAAAA!!"  
  
Chibi-Cid: [musing to himself] "I knew there was something special  
about her, but...this?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [slowly turning to Chibi-Xu] "Just what the hell have  
you been teaching her?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [blushes a little] "......"  
  
  
[Chibi-Ifrit symbol change!]  
  
Chibi-Sean: o.O "Yo."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: ^-^v "Doesn't that look so cool?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [nervous eyebrow twitch] "Er, right."  
  
[Sean's father pops up again!]  
  
Sean's father: "Okay, I'm done modifying those scissors."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Great! Any items given to the junk shop for weapon  
modification are used up during the process. Plus the shop charges  
a small fee for their services."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [sweatdrop!] "I hope it's not much for a pair of  
scissors."  
  
Sean's father: "Considering what I had to work with, this was the  
best I could do."  
  
[He steps aside to display an enormous SeeD battle skimmer.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: o.O;  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Oooh, that looks expensive."  
  
  
[End of Omake!]  



	5. Part 04 - Omake Theatre 3!

[Cue the SD FFVIII fic characters dancing across the screen!]  
  
All: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!"  
  
The camera pans back to reveal that all the SD FVIII fic characters are   
actually plushies in a UFO catcher machine at the Gold Saucer. Yuffie is   
pounding on the side of the machine in hopes of capturing a Squall plushie.]  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE 3!!  
  
  
[In a second floor classroom Sean and Xu are seen standing in front  
of a wall display. Both are dressed casually as though today is a rest   
day.]  
  
Xu: "Welcome to Omake Theatre, where we answer the pressing questions of the  
day such as--"  
  
Sean: "Who on earth is Quandry?"  
  
Xu: --; "No backseat narrating."  
  
[Xu turned on the wall display. The image of a well built man of over   
6 feet in stature filled most of the screen. He had an easy smile that gave   
hint to an expressive personality. Next to his picture scrolled a list of   
vital statistics.]  
  
Xu: "This is Quandry."  
  
Sean: [examining the screen] "He looks harmless enough, what's wrong with   
him?"  
  
Xu: "Take a closer look. As you'll notice his favorite game list is always   
changing. The only thing that's sure about it is that Shadowrun is on top.   
After that it's a toss up between Onimusha, Omikron, Chrono Trigger, Chrono   
Cross, Wipeout, the list goes on and on. You'll also notice that Final   
Fantasy VIII doesn't break the top 5. It really makes you wonder about   
what kind of wackos are writing this story, doesn't it?"  
  
Sean: [moving along lest he trigger another Xu rant about the authors]   
"He's an avid gamer. What's so bad about that?"  
  
Xu: "'Avid' is putting it mildly. He doesn't finish games, he beats them   
until they seek restraining orders. He also speaks l33t fluently.  
Thankfully, he's not a regular SeeDfic author."  
  
Sean: [puzzled] "Why an omake featuring him then?"  
  
Xu: [sigh!] "Because inspiration struck him while he was having dinner at   
his favorite Japanese restaurant, which resulted in five 'pages' of napkin   
covered in hastily scrawled notes. Beans, being the lazy author that she   
is, didn't get them typed up in a timely manner and so he did it. To make   
matters worse, Beans' computer crashed and took all her data *except* this   
Spirit forsaken fic with it. On the bright side, we're being given a pass   
on this week's omake while Beans gets her act together."  
  
Sean: o.O "I don't know which frightens me more: what you just told me or the   
fact that you said it all in a single breath."  
  
Xu: "So, without further ado, let's start 'Quandry no Omake'."  
  
Sean: [reading from a script written on a napkin] "Or, 'How Quandry Cheated   
Death'."  
  
-----  
  
It wasn't raining yet, but the heavy afternoon clouds were teasing the  
ground with occasional drops of moisture. Quandry usually enjoyed this kind  
of weather, but today its dreariness matched that of his physical condition,  
and it didn't help him feel any better. Getting some rest might have helped,  
though. He was miserable the night before and hadn't slept a wink. In fact,  
he looked so bad the next morning that his friends nearly forced him to stay  
home under their care and supervision.  
  
However, this would apparently be out of the question for Quandry. His  
nose was completely stuffed but somehow still ran like a faucet, his throat  
was so sore that it stung even to draw a breath, his head seemed to be  
competing with his heart for pounding, and his stomach gurgled with  
disapproval for every moment that he stood, but he still decided to go.  
Quandry was a man on a mission.  
  
  
"Clow ka...do.." he managed in a trembling, raspy voice. As if acting on  
the words like they were a magical key, the automatic doors of the Toys 'R  
Us slid open. Quandry pushed himself away from the pillar he had been  
leaning on, and a pathetic, stumbling gait propelled him over the remaining  
distance to the door. A smile filled his face as the ambient music of the  
store filled his ears.  
  
"At last, I have reached my destination," he thought. "I will finally  
have the Clow Cards!"  
  
Wasting little time, he found his way around the shopping carts and  
through the second entryway. The number of other shoppers around seemed  
small for a Saturday. That would be fine, he thought, since he didn't like  
crowds, and he didn't care to be drooling snot all over his hands in front  
of a bunch of people anyway.  
  
Suddenly, a violent sneeze welled up that made him dizzy as it exploded  
through his mouth and nose. His legs became weak, and he nearly fell down  
from the recoil. Taking a moment to focus, he stood still with his hand over  
his face, waiting until it was easier to move again.  
  
"Don't give up on me now," he said to his body. "The goal is near, very  
near indeed! It'll only take a little more effort before we can rest. Won't  
that be nice? As long as we remain upright, and our motor skills continue to  
cooperate, we'll make it through this."  
  
Satisfied with his little pep talk to himself, he decided he was ready to  
continue. Taking a confident step forward, followed by another confident  
step, and then another, and another, he confidently strode down the aisle  
and right into a shopper. It's true that he hadn't been paying much  
attention to where he was going, but he didn't notice anyone in the aisle  
before.  
  
"I'm sorry," Quandry said, taking a step back to restore the integrity of  
the personal space he had just invaded.  
  
"So am I," the man replied.  
  
But something wasn't right. It was a deep, raucous voice that  
reverberated down the aisle, and seemed to be audible from all directions  
like some kind of surround-sound theater stereo. Quandry looked up to see  
what type of cool toy was being used to make his voice sound so neat.  
  
The man before him was unnaturally tall, and was dressed in what appeared  
to be many layers of tattered black cloth which hung about him like an old  
robe. He wore a large hood that hid his face, and held beside him a long  
sickle. The pole was slightly crooked, and the blade had a partly jagged  
edge. Maybe it was serrated. It looked quite sinister all the same, Quandry  
thought.  
  
"You shall come with me," said the man, his voice echoing as before.  
  
"Um, I have a question." Quandry scratched his head.  
  
"Very well, you may ask."  
  
"Why are you cos-playing in a Toys 'R Us?"  
  
"I'm not cos-playing. I am Death."  
  
"Right, of course. Have you been wearing that around town?" He pointed at  
the robes.  
  
"I am envisioned in many forms. All mortals choose what they see."  
  
"It might rain, aren't you worried it'll get ruined? Good detail, I bet  
it was expensive. And this thing," he said, reaching out to touch the  
sickle, "it's incredible! Where'd you get--"  
  
"DO NOT TOUCH the sickle!" Death boomed, louder than before. He moved the  
sickle away.  
  
"That's so cool, how do you do that to your voice? Are you using  
speakers?"  
  
"I am not using anything. I am Death. It is the hour of your fate, and I  
am come to guide you into the next world."  
  
In the awkward silence that followed, Quandry realized that he could no  
longer hear the music that had been playing in the store.  
  
"Yes," said Death. "Worldly things are beginning to fade."  
  
"Finally!" Quandry said with relief. "I thought they'd never turn that  
crap off."  
  
"No, it is not just the music, Quandry. It is everything. Can you even  
hear yourself breathe?"  
  
"Of course not, I haven't BEEN breathing. Do you have any idea how  
stuffed up my nose is?" He asked, cocking his head to one side. "It's like  
breathing through brick."  
  
"So be it. Then, I shall help you understand."  
  
Death placed his slender, pale hand upon Quandry's shoulder. It sent a  
chill to course slowly down his arm, causing each hair to stand as it went,  
until finally it reached his hand and stiffened his fingers. He looked up  
into the darkness within Death's hood and stared at it as he felt his entire  
body become gradually colder.  
  
Finally he realized that he was dealing with much more than a freaky  
fanboy wearing a costume in a store. He realized that he was dealing with  
Death itself, or himself, and that it would put a serious damper on  
accomplishing his mission. Meanwhile, the chill continued to run its course,  
and it began to penetrate deep into his bones.  
  
This couldn't really be happening yet, could it? What about his mission?  
Didn't Death realize the gravity of the situation? These and other thoughts  
went through Quandry's mind as he tried to decide what to do.  
  
"Clow... kaado..." he said, only whispering the second word out of sheer  
weakness.  
  
"I am sorry, little one," Death replied in his most consoling voice,  
"There will be no toys where we are going."  
  
With a wheezy gasp for air, Quandry gathered the looks of confusion and  
dismay, displaying both prominently on his face.  
  
"No!" he exclaimed hoarsely. "I don't have time to die. There are too  
many toys to be played with!" Following that, he slapped Death's hand away  
with his other arm, turned about, and marched away as forcefully as his  
frail condition would allow.  
  
"Huh? Hey! Where are you going?" Death asked, surprised. He quickly  
shuffled over to Quandry's side.  
  
"I'm going to buy toys," he explained, sniffing and rubbing his nose. "I  
heard they even.. have... ack!" He stopped and broke into a fit of coughing.  
He sniffled some more and after a moment was able to continue. "I heard they  
even have a full deck of Clow cards here. ACHOOO!" He brought his hand up to  
catch the sneeze.  
  
"You see? You can barely communicate anymore," Death explained. "Can't  
you feel your sickness enveloping you?"  
  
"Yeah, it's getting pretty bad. Do you have a tissue?"  
  
"Do I have a...? That's not what I meant."  
  
"Agh, it's starting to run." He sniffed and put his hand to his nose.  
  
"Okay, okay, here."  
  
Death searched his robes and withdrew a handkerchief from an inner  
pocket. Quandry nodded his thanks and took the tissue. He gave a noisy blow  
into it, wiped a bit, and handed it back.  
  
"Ewww." Death held the handkerchief away from himself and eyed it  
askance.  
  
"Thanks," Quandry said. "Hey cool, they have Ah Megami-Sama key rings."  
He went to the shelves to look.  
  
Death gingerly placed the nasty tissue into one of his pockets, and  
stared at Quandry. He was paying absolutely no attention to him. Quandry   
just went along the shelves, picking things up, looking at them, putting   
them down, and moving on. Either he had an extremely strong will to live,   
or he really was that much of an idiot. Whichever the case, neither Death,   
nor Quandry, nor anyone else had a choice in the matter. So Death followed  
Quandry down the aisle.  
  
"Quandry, please. Stop this foolishness. You must let go of this world  
and follow me to the light."  
  
"Are you still here?"  
  
"Yes, and I won't be going anywhere until you come with me."  
  
"Then why don't you make yourself useful and ask someone where the Gundam  
models are?" he scoffed.  
  
"Must you people be so annoying? Why do they ALWAYS do this!?" Death  
groaned, slapping his hand to his forehead. "They enter this ridiculous  
denial stage..."  
  
"Never mind, I found'em," Quandry said. His voice was muffled; Death  
looked up quickly and found himself alone in the aisle.  
  
"Hey! I'm not finished with you!" he shouted, jogging to chase after   
Quandry.  
  
"AAAH-CHOOOOOO!!!"  
  
Death stopped suddenly as he rounded the corner and stood mistified --  
with mucus and saliva. Quandry had just sneezed all over him.  
  
"Yilch!! What the...?"  
  
"Thorry," Quandry apologized stuffily. "By dose was tickleeng be, and I  
didn't want to thneeze on the Gundamth."  
  
"That was completely disgusting," said Death, thrusting his hanky at the   
ill man. "Snot like yours will probably stain!"  
  
Quandry blew his nose again.  
  
"Throw'em in the wash, they'll be fine."  
  
"Uh, hello? These have to be dry cleaned."  
  
"Whatever." He crumpled the handkerchief and tossed it back at Death.  
"Help me look for Deathscythe."  
  
"I got your Deathscythe right here," Death grumbled, clutching his sickle  
in frustration.  
  
"Look at this," Quandry burst, taking a box from the shelf. "Why'd they  
make Nataku look so lame in this version?"  
  
"Quandry."  
  
"Yeah?" He turned the box over and started reading the specs.  
  
"Quandry."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Quandry!"  
  
"What already!?!" He fumed, putting the box down and facing Death. *rim  
shot*  
  
Death paused for effect before speaking.  
  
"It is time," he said slowly.  
  
"What are you talking about? They don't close until eight."  
  
"..."  
  
"It's only, like, a quarter to five."  
  
Death rolled his eyes and heaved a loud sigh.  
  
"Get a watch, weirdo..." Quandry trailed off, continuing his perusal of  
the Gundam models. "Aha, there's the cool Nataku."  
  
He spotted the box on the top shelf of the rack and began to reach for  
it. As he lifted his arms, he began to feel dizzy; his head began to throb  
harder, his vision blurred slightly, and his legs became weak again. He  
still couldn't quite reach the box. He tried to elevate himself onto his  
toes, but a head-rush came over him that all but blacked him out. Quandry  
collapsed to the floor.  
  
Death stood over him and looked down.  
  
"You see? It is impossible to avoid your fate. Everyone has his time. You  
will only grow weaker and more exhausted until you are completely unable to  
resist. There is no point delaying the inevitable."  
  
Quandry opened his eyes and stared vacantly. Then, as his vision focused,  
his eyes widened, and he let out a strange yell.  
  
"Finally, he understands," Death thought to himself. He leaned down and  
reached his hand out to him.  
  
"THEY HAVE HEAVYARMS CUSTOM!!!" Quandry screamed, leaping up from the  
tile and shoving Death aside.  
  
"Oh for the love of--!!"  
  
"I've been looking for this forever!" He grabbed the box from the shelf  
and turned it over a few times in his hands.  
  
"Excuse me, I heard a noise over here. Is everything alright?"  
  
Death and Quandry turned. A woman wearing a Toys 'R Us apron was leaning  
around the corner of the aisle, staring at them quizzically.  
  
"Oh, hi! Where's your Card Captor stuff?" Quandry asked excitedly.  
  
"Um... I think they're next to the Barbies in the--"  
  
"THANKS!" He squawked, and zoomed off.  
  
Death stood, blinking, his jaw slightly agape in awe of the sheer  
stupidity he had just witnessed. The woman stood too, blinking back at him.  
  
Wait a minute.  
  
"Miss?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Did, uh... ahem. Did you say, um, Ba... Barbies?  
  
She nodded as a sweatdrop appeared on her forehead.  
  
"But, but... that's... in the... OH NO!!" Death broke into an urgent run  
and hauled down the aisles to chase after Quandry. "Not good, not good," he  
repeated, looking everywhere. As he ran, he started to hear the happy  
giggling of a snot-nosed otaku nearby. He directed himself toward the sound,  
rounded another corner... and quickly came to the horrific realization that  
it was too late.  
  
Death dug his heels into the tile floor as hard as he could and screeched  
to a halt. There he was, at the mouth of the dreaded "Pink Aisle," more  
terrifying even than the valley of the shadow of death itself, and there  
stood Quandry right in the middle of it.  
  
Death looked down at his feet and shuffled backward a step, finding himself  
much too close to the pinkness. The pink was so prevalent that he could feel   
it thickening the air around him. The pink boxes displaying their girly  
pink slogans and feminine flowery adornments stood vigil over the entry of  
the aisle, stacked high and mighty in their pinkness upon the shelves. The  
dolls all seemed to be staring at him, daring him to approach by even an  
inch, bidding him stand well back lest they shed their putrescent pink  
pigments upon him as well.  
  
Death shrank back even further, clutching his sickle closer to him for   
comfort. Then he remembered that there was still a job to be done, and that   
Quandry was still standing directly in the center of this pusillanimous place.  
  
"I've got to get him back out here!"  
  
Quandry looked down the aisle at him with a silly grin on his face, and  
held up a pinkish box.  
  
"Look! They have Li from Card Captor Sakura!"  
  
Death quivered and turned his head.  
  
"It's so... PINK!" Was all he could say.  
  
"Yeah, but check it out! They've got Sakura in three different dresses!!"  
  
"Well, um..." Death began, nervously looking away in several directions,  
"just grab whatever you want and come out of there. You won't be able to  
take it with you anyway."  
  
"The key!" Quandry shouted after a gasp. "They have her key!!" He reached   
up and jumped for it a couple of times. "Crap, I can't reach it. Come help me  
get this down."  
  
"I... What!? No. I can't. I mean... just get something else and come out  
of there!"  
  
"I don't think so! C'mon, you have a long enough sickle. It'll reach."  
  
"But... pink... you don't understand..."  
  
Quandry dropped his shoulders in disappointment, looked at Death for a  
moment, and then started marching toward him.  
  
"He's coming out!" Death thought. "I'll just nab him as soon as he leaves  
the aisle."  
  
"Will you quit your whining and get over here?" With that, he stopped at  
the end of the aisle, leaned forward, grabbed a handful of Death's robes,  
and pulled. Death went even paler -- which until now was thought to be  
impossible -- as he panicked.  
  
"Let go! Stoppit! Back up off me!" Death shouted, kicking and flailing as  
Quandry dragged him through the aisle. "Unhand me this instant you freak!"  
  
"Oh knock it off, you big baby."  
  
"AAAAARRRGHH!! FINE!" He screamed, pushing Quandry forcefully away. "What  
do you want!?" The reverb of his ethereal voice was now rattling the shelves  
as he spoke, but Quandry took no notice.  
  
"That one! That one!" He said, pointing excitedly at the Card Captor Key  
toy.  
  
Death reached up with his sickle and yanked three of them onto the floor.  
  
"ANYTHING ELSE!?"  
  
"And Sakura!" He pointed at a doll.  
  
"Which one? NEVERMIND!!!" He swung his sickle wildly and swept the entire  
row of dolls onto the floor. "And while we're at it, how about one of these!  
And some of those! And that!"  
  
Quandry got on his knees and began to sort through the rapidly growing  
pile of toys, while Death shouted and threw pink boxes at him, down the  
aisle, and even into other aisles.  
  
"How's that!?" He screamed. "SATISFIED!?" His volume shook a few more  
boxes to the floor.  
  
"Actually," He began, his arms full of toys, "I came here to find the  
Clow Cards."  
  
"Ano... is everything alright?"  
  
It was the woman again, peeking her head around the corner like before.  
  
"NO everything is NOT alright," Death snapped, "Can't you see this man  
needs CLOW CARDS!?"  
  
"Clow... oh, Clow Cards? Yeah, those are up by the entrance."  
  
"YOU COULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT EARLIER!?"  
  
"Well if you hadn't been distracting me with all that death crap I might  
have... have... seen them... there... aaah-CHOOOO!" Quandry sneezed. He  
sniffled some and extended his hand to request the hanky again.  
  
Well beyond angry, Death snatched Quandry by the wrist and pulled him  
out of the aisle. He also took hold of the woman as he passed, and dragged  
her along too.  
  
"Hey! Where are you taking me!?" She exclaimed, shocked.  
  
"You're coming along so I know someone will be at the check-out when he  
has his stupid cards!"  
  
As they all arrived at to the entrance, Quandry immediately spotted the   
object of his fanatical desire. There, on a shelf, sat a thick red book   
labeled "CLOW." As he stared in awe, heavenly rays of light seemed to beam   
down and illuminate it. He could hear singing, like voices from a choir, as   
the book began to sparkle and glow.  
  
"Sugoi...!" Quandry breathed.  
  
"Oh, no you don't," said Death. "There'll be none of that." He pulled a  
remote control from one of his pockets and pushed a button. The voices  
stopped, and the light disappeared.  
  
"Aw, you're no fun anymore," Quandry said.  
  
The woman wriggled free of Death's grip -- quite an amazing feat,  
usually -- and took the Book of the Clow from off the shelf.  
  
"Is this what you wanted?" She asked.  
  
"Hai! Hai! Hai!" He clapped softly and bounced as he said it.  
  
"It is? Good! Let's go!" Death grabbed each of them by their respective  
collars, and carried them over to the cash register.  
  
Quandry opened his arms to let all of the toys he'd gathered fall into a  
pile on the counter, and the woman started ringing them up.  
  
"Okay," she said finally, "That'll be $107.50."  
  
"Oh. Uh... oh. Um, say... Death, think you could spot me a fifty?"  
  
Death began checking through his many pockets.  
  
"Well, I might have left my wallet in my other-- wait, NO I will not spot  
you fifty dollars!!"  
  
Quandry heaved a sigh.  
  
"Don't you have like a company credit card?"  
  
"Credit card? Well, no..."  
  
"Why not? Too low on the totem pole? It must suck to be just another  
employee in such a large establishment."  
  
"Hey, for your information, MISTER, this is a management position."  
  
"And what? You don't get a budget?"  
  
"Hey! I... it doesn't... that's none of your business!"  
  
"Never mind," Quandry groaned, and proceeded to pull a giant sock full   
of coins from his pocket.  
  
"One, two, three..." he started, counting as he pulled individual coins  
from the sock.  
  
Minutes were drawn out like hours, as the cliché goes, and Death found  
himself tapping his foot from impatience.  
  
"...forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty! $107.50. It's all there." He pushed  
the pile of coins toward the woman, who proceeded to count each one again (to  
double-check) as she put them in their proper trays in the cash drawer.  
  
"Is that really necessary?" Death asked. "Just give him the receipt  
already."  
  
"I'm sorry, it doesn't print until I close the drawer."  
  
"Then close it!"  
  
She ignored him and continued to count coins. All of a sudden, a  
high-pitched, rapid beeping broke her concentration.  
  
"What is that?" she asked, annoyed.  
  
"Dude, your robes are beeping." Quandry pointed.  
  
"No, it's the company pager." He pulled it from his pocket, pushed the  
button, and looked at it. "Huh? NO!! It's already time for my next  
appointment! We're LATE! You missed your time because you were counting out  
your stupid coins!! Who keeps that many coins anyway!?"  
  
"Doesn't everyone?"  
  
Death looked at Quandry and the woman behind the counter. They looked at  
him.  
  
"I... I... I have to go."  
  
"Well, thank you, please come again," she said.  
  
"Oh I'll be back for you alright, missy. Hope you look real well next  
time you cross the street!"  
  
Yet another sweatdrop for the poor woman.  
  
Quandry finally collected his receipt and exited the store, carrying bags  
full of toys in each hand. On his way out, he saw Death sitting on the curb  
of the parking lot, and approached him. Spotting this, Death stood up  
haughtily and began to walk away, but Quandry followed him.  
  
"Leaving so soon?" he asked.  
  
"I am SO not talking to you. Get lost!"  
  
"Are you kidding? We have to go to Software Etc. They have their Guardian  
Force toys on sale!"  
  
"THAT'S IT!! I need a new job. Time to update my resume..."  
  
"Your loss," Quandry said, and started heading toward his car. "Oh well.   
An otaku's work is never done!"  
  
"Ah... ah... AAH-CHOOO!!"  
  
Quandry turned around and smirked.  
  
"Bless you!" he said.  
  
"SHADDAP!!" Death snapped, raising a bony middle finger into the air.  
  
With a giggle, Quandry packed his toys into the trunk and headed for the mall.  
  
-----  
  
Sean: "That was... different."  
  
Xu: "I think I've been scarred for life."  
  
Sean: "Is there even a moral to this story?"  
  
Xu: "My guess would be if you can survive the pink aisle yourself, you don't   
have to fear Death."  
  
Sean: "I wish there had been a pink aisle in Chocobo's Dungeon 2."  
  
Xu: "What are you talking about? Death ran the shops in that game."  
  
Sean: ^^v "And none of them had a pink aisle, did they? I think Quandry   
is on to something!"  
  
Xu: --; "Baka."  
  
  
[End!]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Beans: [smacking Yggy] "Work, damn you! Work! (o.O;) She...she's dead!   
Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!"  
  
[Beans breaks out into hysterical sobbing and holds a candlelight vigil for her   
now deceased PC.]  
  
Death: --;; "I hate my job."  
  
  
[Really the end!]  



	6. Part 05 - Omake Theatre 4!

Dr. Kadowaki.  
  
By day she's a mild-mannered doctor at Balamb Garden.  
  
But when the night comes and all the cadets have gone to bed,  
she removes her glasses and then dons her skintight, black spandex  
costume and becomes...NURSE SPANK-ME GENTLY!!!  
  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: [irately stomping on His lordship Chaos] "WHAT?!"  
  
Xu: --;; "Our sincerest apologies. That part of the omake has  
nothing to do with our real, personal lives. Ne, Kadowaki, you can  
stop drilling his head into the floor with you stiletto shoes now."  
  
Chaos: x.x [twitch twitch!] "H-Hai...!"  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "Oh, you'll probably be joining me once you discover  
the latest omake he's created with you."  
  
Xu: o.O;;  
  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE 4  
  
  
  
[Cue Chibi-Greenbeans popping up with a disclaimer sign!]  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: "Just for the record, I had NOTHING to do with  
this omake!"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [scratching his head] "But aren't you responsible for  
posting it on--"  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: ^^;; [smacking Chaos in the face with her sign]  
"Shut up, Chaos."  
  
[The scene abruptly changes to Xu and Quistis' dorm room in  
Balamb Garden. Chibi-Quistis is sitting on her swivel chair,  
letting her feet kick in the air. Chibi-Sean is busy getting  
his butt kicked at Triple Triad by Chibi-Xu on the lower bunk. And  
Chibi-Kei is idly polishing her katana sword up on the top bunk.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Go fish."  
  
Chibi-Xu: --;; "For the last time, there is no 'fishing' for cards  
in Triple Triad!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Can I at least call some of your bluffs then?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "No."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Um...guys? We're on."  
  
[Suddenly noticing that the omake's already started, Chibi-  
Sean and Chibi-Xu scramble to hide their cards under the covers,  
Chibi-Sean adeptly hiding his prized Bahamut card by stuffing it  
into his mouth. Chibi-Kei, in a moment of surprise, tries to  
conceal her sword by flinging it over her head and impaling the  
ceiling with it.]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [shaking her head] "Sometimes I wonder what Cid sees  
in them."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [straightening her uniform out] "Welcome once again to  
our Sowing the SeeDs omake."   
  
Chibi-Kei: "And the first person to make any bad pun about  
fertilizing young minds gets an Ifrit right up their--"  
  
Chibi-Xu: ^^;; "I think the readers get the idea, Kei."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [wriggling uncomfortably] "That sounds like it would  
hurt."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Um...ladies? The omake?"  
  
Ladies: "Hai!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^-^ "Today, we're going to be examining one of those  
pieces of classic literature."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "YOU are into classic literature?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [feigning hurt] "Xu, you wound me. Really, that hurts.  
Did I not pass all my literature classes with flying colours?"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "As I recall, you spent most of your time reading  
Captain Cactuar comics hidden in your textbooks during the  
tutorials, and then crammed frantically the night before a test."  
  
Chibi-Sean: --;; "Oh, how would you know? When were you in those  
tutorials?"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [confused] "So...you did just cram before the  
tests?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^^;; "Getting back to our Book of the Omake special,  
first up we have this new children's book written by Lieutenant Biggs  
of the Galbadian military: 'How The Grinch Stole My Promotion'."  
  
Chibi-Kei: "That's supposed to be classic literature?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [aside to Kei] "We're getting a hundred gil each just  
to promote this book."  
  
Chibi-Kei: ^-^ "So go out and buy 'How The Grinch Stole My  
Promotion.' Don't forget to check out Biggs' other works like  
'Your NORG Can Moo, Can You?'"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "I hear Zell's also coming out with some books: 'I Can   
Lick 30 Grats Today', and 'Are You My Hotdog?'"  
  
[Chibi-Quistis gives a loud, deliberate cough.]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "If we're done hocking for our sponsors...."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Quite right. Now then, here is today's classic book!"  
  
[Chibi-Sean unveils a large, old text bound in leather with  
strange markings on the cover.]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "I can't read the title; it's a foreign language.  
What does it say, Sean?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^-^v "The Kama Xutra!"  
  
Chibi-Xu & Kei: o.O;;  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Kama...Xutra? What's that?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [sly grin] "The Anshin art of making love!"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "What's he talking about?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [blushing] "Nothing, Quistis-chan."  
  
[Chibi-Xu angrily turns to Chibi-Kei.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "You gave him that, didn't you?"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "Oh, you think I'd let him get anywhere near my copy of  
it?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [sweatdrop!] "You...have a copy?"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "Maybe we should get back to stopping Sean before he  
shows Quistis the book."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "That's not answering my question, Kei."  
  
Chibi-Sean: [flipping through the book] "Hey look! For this  
technique you need some Adamantine, feathers, and...a Grat? Do I  
even want to look at the illustrations for this one?!"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [eyes widening] "Oh my. No one can get into that  
position."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Oh, it's easier than you think. Here, let me  
demonstrate."  
  
[Chibi-Sean abruptly grabs Chibi-Xu by the wrist and pulls  
over onto the couch. He opens her legs, putting one over the back  
of the couch, and then moves in between them.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: --; "Get off me."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "But Xu, is this not educational? Are we not displaying  
our knowledge of classic literature?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "You're going to be displaying your internal organs in  
alphabetical order if you don't get off me."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Can I look at the book once you're done with it,  
Kei?"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "Um...we'll talk."  
  
[Chibi-Sean peers over Chibi-Kei's shoulder.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Hey, I never saw this section before. What is it?"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "An addition to the newest edition of the book."  
  
[Chibi-Kei starts paging through a rarely-glimpsed sexction--  
er, section of the Kama Xutra.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: o.O; "An all-yuri section?"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [flipping through her dictionary] "Yuri:  
female/female relationships? You mean like how you and I are  
friends, Xu?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: ^^;; "No, this is a little different."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "You'd have to be really, REALLY good friends."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Don't give her any ideas, Sean!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Shouldn't it be: don't give the readers any ideas,  
Sean?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "I don't care! You just stop talking."  
  
Chibi-Kei: [randomly flipping through pages] "Did that...did  
that...doing that next week...say, that's different."  
  
[Chibis Kei, Sean & Xu all take a look at the page, and then  
abruptly tilt their heads sideways.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "You'd have to be really flexible to do that."  
  
Chibi-Kei: "How about Xu? She works out a lot. Odds are she could  
probably get her body to twist like that."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [embarrassed] "Keeeeeiiiiii...."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [sigh!] "I'm not sure if I should feel relieved or  
dejected that they're not letting me take a look. How bad could it  
be? It's just a book."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "We'll tell you about it when you're older, Quistis-  
chan."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Actually, aren't you leaving that up to the Eugene and  
the gang in the next--?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [elbowing Sean in the ribs] "Ix-nay on the oiler-spay,  
Sean."  
  
Chibi-Kei: "I think I'm going to borrow this book for my...   
'briefing' tomorrow night."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [dryly] "Don't you mean debriefing?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Hey, that's my copy! Get your own!"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "I've got an earlier edition. The yuri chapters are new  
and I want to... field test them."  
  
Chibi-Sean: --;; "Cute analogy. Hand over my book."  
  
Chibi-Kei: "Don't make me pull rank on you."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "I never thought I'd see the day when Kei and Sean   
got into a fight over a book of all things. It must be a very   
important book."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [muttering to herself] "I am *so* going to kill whichever  
author was responsible for this omake."  
  
Chibi-Kei: [fighting for the book] "Hand the Kama Xutra over,  
cadet!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [oof!] "Not a chance."  
  
Chibi-Kei: "It's not like you're going to ever need to consult the  
yuri section."  
  
Chibi-Sean: p "Oh, and I suppose you're going to use it for a  
Kei/Quistis lemon?"  
  
Chibi's Kei & Xu: o.O  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [scratching her head] "Lemon? What sort of a fanfic  
is that?"  
  
[In that moment of stunned silence, Chibi-Sean takes his  
opportunity and wrenches the Kama Xutra from Chibi-Kei's grip!]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Okay, now the hard part: escaping in one piece."  
  
Chibi-Kei: [grrrrr!] "SEAN!!!"  
  
[Pulling her katana out from the ceiling, Chibi-Kei proceeds  
to chase Chibi-Sean around the dorm room. Chibi-Xu follows in suit,  
trying to impale Chibi-Sean with her sai!]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "I might die a horrible death... but that line was so  
worth it!"  
  
Chibi-Kei: [death to Sean!] "Oh you don't get off that easy. I'm  
going to Full Life your sorry ass, then kill you over and over!!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Leave a bit of him for me. As Quistis' guardian, I  
cannot let that remark pass without retribution!"  
  
[The two peace-loving Anshin ladies finally corner Chibi-Sean,  
ready to viciously cut him into little itty bitty pieces!]  
  
Chibi-Kei: "Any last words, lemon-boy?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [sweatdrop!] "A little help here?"  
  
[Cue Captain Cactuar swooping in, grabbing Chibi-Sean, then  
flying out from the dorm room!]  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^^v "Wai! Captain Cactuar saves the day again!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: o.O; "What the hey?"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [shaking her head] "I never thought reading books  
could be so dangerous. Maybe I should take up a safer hobby, like  
Chocobo Racing."  
  
[End!]  



	7. Part 06 - Omake Theatre 5!

Chibi-Xu: [peaking around the curtain] "Ano... they aren't coming out."  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Why not?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "They're, uh... scared of the knives."  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Well the omake's about to start! CUE SOMETHING!!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Riiiiight..."  
  
[....]  
  
Something: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!"  
  
[Something dances accross the screen, performing some amazing trick that're fun   
to view. Really it is! See how amazed you are? Say "Wow!"]  
  
[SAY IT!]  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Xu--"  
  
  
[I don't hear you saying it!!]  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Xu! That's enough, thank you!"  
  
[I DON'T HEA-- oh, okay.]  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Now come out of the brackets and get ready for your opening   
dialogue with Sean!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: *ahem* "Hi! Welcome to anoth--"  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Not yet!! You have to wait for the titles to roll!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Can we start over?"  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE 5!!!  
  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Gyaaah! This is number six! Who forgot to change the sign?"  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: "Maybe letting you direct this one wasn't such a great   
idea..."  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Hey, blame Chaos! He was the last one to use the stage! I can't   
be hel--"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [Deliberately interrupting] "Hi! Welcome to another edition of Omake   
Theatre!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Today we have the misfortune of presenting another omake done by   
Quandry."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [Plastic smile] ^-^ "That's right, Sean! But it's my pleasure to tell   
you that this one actually has something to do with the world of Final   
Fantasy!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Really? Well! That is something!"  
  
[Oooh/Ahhh sign lights up for audience]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Yep! So without further ado, which would make this steaming pile of   
text take much longer to read than any omake should, let's get started!"  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Wait, guys! Don't they need some background or something?"  
  
Xe & Sean: "NO."  
  
SD-Quandry: "...okay..."  
  
  
  
As a part of the new security model proposed for the garden, every night one of   
the classrooms was converted into a temporary base of operations for those on   
patrol. Some of the terminals were loaded with a surveillance program tied in   
to the garden's internal cameras and motion sensors. Others were configured for   
use with the central hard-line communication system, which the patrolling   
squads used to report in every half hour. Students would sit at these   
workstations, each meticulously scrutinizing their areas of responsibility for   
the garden.   
  
Three SeeD graduates were chosen to supervise Patrol Headquarters, or PHQ, by   
way of a draft system based on their ID numbers. These SeeDs were then assigned   
to four hour shifts by way of a simple lottery, which they would quickly become   
familiar with as the four most sleeplessly boring hours ever to plague their   
SeeD careers.  
  
"Enrichment activity my butt," Selphie scoffed. "There'd have to be some kind   
of activity for this to be enriching."   
  
She scored the first shift tonight, and thought she'd make use of the otherwise   
wasted time by updating her web page. However, there were some problems.  
  
"Aw, man!" she spat.  
  
"What's wrong?" asked the student at the terminal next to her.  
  
"Oh, just this stupid thing," she said, wiping her face impatiently with her   
hand. "Did G.I.T.S. schedule an outage tonight or something?"  
  
"Not that I know of. Why?"  
  
"I'm trying to update my website, but the FTP server isn't letting me in."  
  
"I'd give G.I.T.S. a call, then."  
  
"I hate talking to them," Selphie sighed. "Oh well, I guess it's the only way   
to find out what's going on."   
  
Resignedly she picked up the telephone and began dialing. After a few rings, a   
rather deep voice came on the line.  
  
"Garden Information Technology Services, may I help you?"  
  
"Hey, this is Selphie up in classroom #2."  
  
"Hi Selphie. What can I do for you?"  
  
"Well, are you guys having problems?"  
  
"Uh..... no.... we're fine, thanks. How are you?"  
  
"Fine. I mean no, that's not what I meant! I mean is the network down or   
something?"  
  
"The whole thing?"  
  
"Any of it!!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then why can't I get into the FTP server!?"  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"What do you mean which one? Look, I'm trying to update my webpage and I can't   
get in, okay?"  
  
"Ah, okay. That narrows it down to three of them. What IP address are you   
using?"  
  
"The same one I always use, I guess. I dunno. I haven't changed anything."  
  
"Of course not."  
  
The two of them sighed simultaneously, each certain that it was going to be a   
very long night.  
  
***  
  
"Are you sure this is safe?" Greenbeans asked.  
  
"Of course it's safe," Chaos said, maneuvering the crowbar into position. "What   
are they going to do? We're the authors."  
  
"I just don't want to get kicked out before we even get in this time."  
  
"Trust me, it's fine. I doubt anyone has even entered this section of the   
garden's tunnels in years." With a forceful push on the crowbar, the hatch   
creaked open.  
  
"Beans before beauty," offered Chaos, extending his hand toward the opening.  
  
"Watch it buddy," she warned, shaking her finger at him as she walked past.  
  
The stale smell of old oxidized metal engulfed them as they entered. Chaos   
turned on a flashlight and looked around. The smell, the cobwebs, the mold on   
the walls, and the thick coat of dust on the floors were all signs that this   
area had gone unmaintained for a very long time.  
  
"By the looks of this place, maybe no one has ever been here?" he joked.  
  
"I know people always say this, but I have a strange feeling in my gut. That's   
all."  
  
"Relax, we're good. We should have some time to explore the place at least. I   
don't think they have any surveillance in this area."  
  
***  
  
A small red light on one of the terminals began blinking. Sam, the student   
watching that panel, had fallen asleep. The student next to him sat playing   
with her kunai on the desk instead of her own panel, but noticed the light out   
of the corner of her eye.. Kae dug her elbow into his side.  
  
"Ow!" he yelped, flicking his eyelids open.  
  
"Good morning sunshine," she said.  
  
"Huh? Oh crap!" Sam whispered. He looked over at Selphie, but saw that she was   
involved in a conversation on the telephone. He relaxed his shoulders and   
breathed a sigh.  
  
"Thanks," he said. "That saved me a few hours worth of lecture."  
  
"Yeah, well, you might not be so fortunate next time," she told him. "Anyway,   
what's that?" Kae pointed at the blinking red light.  
  
"Huh? Oh crap!"  
  
***  
  
"Okay. Now it's asking me for a login," Selphie explained.  
  
"Good," said the technician. "Now just enter the login and password that you   
usually do, and you should be fine."  
  
"Argh! See? It still says Invalid Login. Are you sure there isn't something   
wrong with the network?"  
  
"Mam, if the network was down, you wouldn't be prompted for a login. It's more   
likely a problem with your passw--"  
  
"Don't you 'mam' me! I'm typing the same password I've always typed, so unless   
you guys changed something, it should work!"  
  
"Excuse me, Selphie?"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
The student stumbled back a step, startled.  
  
"Hold on for a second," she said into the phone. She pressed it against her   
shoulder and looked up at the student. "I'm sorry Sam. What is it?"  
  
"I think you should come look at this."  
  
Selphie breathed a short sigh and nodded.  
  
"I have to go," she said to the phone, not bothering to lift it back to her   
face on its way to the receiver.  
  
She followed Sam over to his panel and had a look at the screen.  
  
"Motion detector 4 is picking something up, but there's nothing on the camera,"   
he explained.  
  
"Let me see." Selphie sat at the terminal and panned the camera around its   
axis. It was a camera in the Quad, near the northwest corner of the lower area.   
She saw a bush moving in the wind, and zoomed in on it.  
  
"There's your culprit," she said with a smirk. "I guess these things are pretty   
sensitive these days. They'll pick up all kinds of activity, but none of it   
will be interesting." She began to stand.  
  
"Selphie, wait," urged Kae, "Look!"  
  
Selphie sat back down, looked at the monitor, and caught her breath.  
  
"WHO IS THAT!?" she yelled.  
  
Every student in the room turned and looked at Selphie.  
  
***  
  
Quandry stood up and rubbed his sore back. Falling off the rail and into a bush   
had given him quite a jolt. In fact it gave his Lyra quite a jolt too, since it   
stopped playing the MP3 he had been listening to. Climbing out of the bush, he   
straightened his headphones, picked a few leaves out of his bear ears, and   
pushed play on the Lyra. For some reason, his bear ears weren't picking up the   
Jet Set Radio broadcast anymore, so he was glad to have some backup tunes with   
him.   
  
Still a bit sore, he skated in a few circles to shake it off before continuing   
on his search.  
  
"Actually," he said to himself, looking at the ground, "this might be another   
good place to tag." He reached for the spray can on his belt.  
  
***  
  
"What's he saying?" Kae asked.  
  
"The Quad cameras don't have audio," Sam answered.  
  
"What is he doing to my quad?" Selphie moaned. She watched as the strange   
fuzzy-eared figure knelt down and started spraying something directly in the   
center of the quad floor.  
  
"Is he writing something?" asked a nearby student.  
  
"Is there an overhead camera?" asked another.  
  
By now several of the students had come over to the workstation where Selphie   
sat to watch the action. The figure on the screen stood and spun a wide 360 on   
the floor around the marking as if to admire his work.  
  
"What did he do to my quad!?" Selphie asked again, hopping between cameras in   
the quad area to find a better angle. She followed as the skater rolled toward   
the stairway, leaped into the air, and landed on the banister. At that moment,   
a blue burst of light came from each skate and propelled him along the rest of   
the banister. At the top of the stairway he jumped again and continued to skate   
his way out of the quad.  
  
"He's headed for the hub," Kae called out. "What time is it?"  
  
Sam looked at his watch.  
  
"Fifteen minutes until next check-in," he said.  
  
"Who's on patrol in the quad right now?"  
  
"Teams four and five, according to the schedule," a student across the room   
answered.  
  
Kae turned and faced the students at a workstation two rows behind her.   
  
"Hub Area, check their locations and get them on the hard-line."  
  
"Already on it," said one of them, with a phone already at his ear.  
  
"Also see if you can get a visual on the suspect, and follow him. Call out any   
area changes."  
  
"Got it."  
  
Kae hesitated for a moment and realized that she was kind of starting to bark   
out orders. Embarrassment set a blush into her cheeks as she looked at Selphie,   
and found Selphie to be staring back up at her.  
  
"Sorry," Kae motioned with her lips.  
  
Selphie just shook her head.  
  
"Don't be. Right now, I need to see what he put on the floor, but none of these   
cameras have an overhead view."  
  
"I can make a team available to go take a look and call us with some   
information," Kae offered.  
  
"A good suggestion, but I think it's more important that all the teams stay   
focused on their patrols right now."  
  
"Of course," said Kae meekly.  
  
"I have an idea," Sam said. "May I?"  
  
Selphie stood and leaned over the back of the chair as Sam took his place   
again. She watched as he pulled up a control program for a classroom just down   
the hall from them. He remotely opened the shield over one of the windows, and   
then switched to that room's surveillance camera. All the classroom cameras   
were mounted on the ceiling toward the back of the room, between the windows,   
so he used the camera control to spin it all the way around until they could   
see the window he had opened.  
  
"This classroom is almost directly over the quad," he explained. "Since the   
cameras have a wide enough range of motion, I can point it out the window and   
probably see the floor of the quad if I zoom in far enough."  
  
"There's too much glare," Selphie said. "Are you sure we'll have a clear view?"  
  
"I have that covered," Sam said. He hit a few more buttons and turned off all   
the lights in that classroom. Much of the glare instantly disappeared. As he   
zoomed in, the picture became clearer, until finally they could all see what   
was written on the floor of the Quad.  
  
"Hmm," Sam hummed. "Well what is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I don't know," Kae said slowly, giving it some thought. "Any clue, Selphie?"  
  
Selphie had a strangely blank look on her face as she stared at the monitor.  
  
"Selphie?"  
  
"Get Quistis."  
  
"You want me to call--"  
  
"You three," she shouted to the group standing guard by the door, "Go get   
Quistis."  
  
They looked at her.  
  
"Go!"  
  
They went, and Selphie returned to her workstation. Sam looked at Kae.  
  
"What was that about?" he asked.  
  
"I don't know," Kae whispered, "but Quistis has third shift tonight. I don't   
think she's going to be thrilled about coming in this early. Selphie still has   
three hours left on duty."  
  
"Then I guess it must be important, but I still don't know what this is   
supposed to mean."  
  
They both turned and stared at the monitor, wondering.  
  
***  
  
Happily bopping to the music blasting through his head, Quandry glided through   
the main hall of the garden. He stopped occasionally to spray something as he   
skated, until he came upon a nice spot to try one of his new tricks. He rolled   
to a halt on his heels and went over the trick in his mind.  
  
"Lessee. I have to skate that way and do a 180 front-flip onto the rail to get   
on it facing the opposite direction."   
  
He examined the amount of 'runway' he had to do this, and nodded his   
satisfaction.  
  
"Okay. Then I have to kick in my boosters right away to oppose the backward   
momentum. Heh... that oughta pull a few G's! Assuming I keep my balance, I   
should successfully be able to grind on a rail in the opposite direction I   
landed on it. Sweet. I can do this!"  
  
He skipped to a more appropriate track on the Lyra (an orchestral piece from   
Total Annihilation) and skated two quick circles to gather speed. Once he was   
going fast enough he skated forward, parallel to the railing. He jumped,   
executed the front flip while turning, and positioned the center bars of his   
skates over the rail as he landed. Without pausing to breathe he activated the   
boosters to propel him along the rail.  
  
Having achieved all this, he was very proud of himself. As he grinded along the   
circular hallway of the garden's hub, however, he noticed two things that   
started to seriously throw off his concentration on balance.  
  
The first thing was that the railing he had chosen to glide along was   
separating the walkway from a large pool of water in the center of the garden.   
The second and perhaps more urgent thing was that two armed guards were   
patrolling along the hall toward him.  
  
"Um, um, not good," he thought as he started to teeter on the rail. He   
desperately tried to teeter toward the solid floor side of his situation, but   
fell to the wet side instead. His left hand caught and held the rail tightly   
enough to keep him from getting submerged. The guards continued to approach as   
he dangled helplessly over the water.   
  
"So what did PHQ have to say?" one asked the other.  
  
"They said they actually spotted a possible intruder, and that we should stay   
extra alert."  
  
Their voices just barely reached him over the volume of his music.  
  
"'Intruder?' Was it another beast from outside?"  
  
"They weren't really clear on that, actually... they just said stay alert."  
  
"Hmm. 'Intruder,' huh? That's odd."  
  
The two of them stopped and leaned back against the railing. Quandry's hand was   
right between them, still tightly holding on. As he dangled and the guards   
talked, he had horrific fantasies of letting go and falling into the water. The   
splash would certainly alert them. He'd probably get shot at while trying to   
swim away, maybe even killed. Worse yet, his skates would probably short out   
when he hit the water!  
  
He closed his eyes tightly, fearing the worst, but tried to keep his focus on   
holding his grip and listening to the guards.   
  
"Were you out during that last one?"  
  
"Yeah actually, but my team was in the parking garage at the time. I heard it   
was a Caterchipiller."  
  
"Really? I thought it was just a bite bug."  
  
"Well I didn't actually see it, and you know how people like to exaggerate."  
  
"Exaggerate? Why bother? I mean, we have whole T-Rexaurs in the training area,   
and somebody wants to brag on a Caterchi--"  
  
"Wait, shh!" He cut him off and looked around.  
  
"What is it?  
  
"Do you hear... music?"  
  
"Music? Hmm..." He opened his ears and looked around also.  
  
Quandry clenched his teeth. He didn't dare reach for his Lyra to turn down the   
volume. He didn't want to move at all.  
  
"No. Are you sure?"  
  
"Hmm. Maybe it's just been a really long shift. Actually, I've had this song   
stuck in my head all day."  
  
They both leaned back against the rail again, but Quandry felt only slightly   
relieved.  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"Actually it's the theme song to an anime I've been watching."  
  
"What is it with you and saying 'actually?'"  
  
The panel across from them beeped loudly and started flashing.  
  
"Never mind. Must be another call from PHQ. I wonder what's up?"  
  
They walked over to the panel, and one of them picked up the handset.  
  
"Hello? ....what do you mean?" He turned and looked at his partner. "No, that's   
my teammate," he said with a laugh.   
  
His partner looked more confused as the conversation went on, because he could   
only hear half of it.  
  
"He... he is? What? .... Paint? ....um, okaaay...."  
  
***  
  
"I've spotted the suspect," announced a student from the Hub Area workstation.   
"He's still in the hub, and he keeps spraying things."  
  
Selphie stood and ran over to the workstation to look. They watched him spray   
something on one of the computer panels, stop and think, and then start skating   
in circles.  
  
"What is he doing? What is his purpose?" Selphie asked.  
  
They watched as he jumped up on the rail.  
  
"Is he going swimming now?" Kae asked, having followed Sam over to watch.  
  
The same blue flash of light that they saw before came from his skates, and he   
slid along the rail.  
  
"Whoah, that was pretty cool," Sam said.   
  
Kae elbowed him again.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Look! There's team four!" Selphie shouted, pointing. "We've got him!"  
  
The skater fell off of the rail.  
  
"Whoops, there he goes," commented a student.  
  
"Nope! That was close though," said Kae as they watched him cling desperately   
to the rail.  
  
"He's a sitting duck!" Selphie laughed. "Little punk. Mess up MY quad, will   
you!"  
  
The team walked along calmly, and stopped to rest in front of the dangling   
vandal.  
  
"Hey... what are they doing!?"  
  
They stood and talked to each other.  
  
"Did they lose him or something? What are they doing?" Impatient, Selphie   
reached for the handset on the panel and began to dial. She watched the guard   
go over to the panel, and waited for one of them to answer.  
  
"He's right behind you!!" she shouted. "...I mean the intruder! He's behind   
you!"  
  
Kae heard a laugh on the other end of the phone.  
  
"NO, not your teammate!" Selphie shouted back. "The intruder! ... Yes! ...   
Look, aren't you curious as to why there's PAINT all over that panel? ... Yes   
paint! Now turn around and put him into custody!"  
  
***  
  
The guard hung up the phone and turned to look at his partner.  
  
"What is it?" he asked.  
  
"Actually, uh... she says that you're the intruder."  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Do you have any paint?"  
  
"What are you TALKING about!?"  
  
"Just hand it over," he said, approaching his partner slowly.  
  
Deciding that this amusing situation would be a good distraction, Quandry   
reached his right hand up and started to climb back over the railing. He peeked   
over the top and saw that they were paying too much attention to each other to   
notice him.   
  
"Now that's luck," he thought to himself, and climbed to the top of the rail.  
  
Suddenly the entire garden shook with a booming female voice that came over the   
intercom.  
  
"HE'S ON THE RAIL!" Selphie screamed.  
  
Cid, in his office, dropped the book he was reading and fell out of his chair.   
Squall was in the bathroom, washing his hands, and spilled water all over his   
pants when he jumped.  
  
The two guards stopped their bickering and looked directly at Quandry, who had   
frozen still at the top of the rail. The three looked at each other for a   
moment. The Lyra skipped to "H.T" from Trigun.  
  
"GET HIM!" Selphie yelled, again over the intercom.  
  
The guards ran toward him, and the one on the left jumped to grab him.   
Activating his boosters again, he bursted off of the rail and jumped over the   
guards. The one who had dove for him quickly found nothing left in front of him   
to grab onto, and fell over the other side of the rail.  
  
"That was pretty stupid, actually..." he thought to himself, as he splashed   
belly-first into the pool below.  
  
Quandry skated as fast as he could away from the remaining guard, who got a   
couple of shots off from his stun gun, but missed. Quandry turned the first   
corner he came to, which he recognized as one of the hallways he passed through   
when he entered the garden. Two Shumi came around the corner in front of him   
and stretched their arms out to block the hallway.  
  
"HALT!" They shouted.  
  
Quandry kicked in his boosters and ducked beneath their arms, gliding easily   
between them.  
  
***  
  
Xu, who was supposed to have that night's second shift, stormed into the PHQ   
classroom.  
  
"What was that all about?" she demanded of Selphie.  
  
"Trust me," Selphie said. "Sam, can you bring up the picture of the Quad for Xu   
please?"  
  
"Not a problem." Sam turned to Xu. "Follow me?"  
  
She followed him over to his terminal and looked at what had happened to the   
Quad. She studied it thoughtfully for a moment, then turned back toward   
Selphie.  
  
"Has Quistis been notified yet?"  
  
Selphie raised an eyebrow.  
  
***  
  
Lucus, Sara, and Lars stepped out of the elevator onto the bottom floor of the   
dormitory.  
  
"What should we do now?" Sara asked.  
  
"We should probably tell Selphie that Quistis wasn't in her room," said Lucus.  
  
"And then what?" She stopped and looked at Lucus. "She told us to 'go get   
Quistis,' and we haven't done that yet."  
  
"Yes, but do you think she wants us to waste our time wandering around, trying   
to find her, while there's an intruder loose in the garden?"  
  
"You heard how serious she was," Sara pointed out. "And this is Selphie we're   
talking about, here. Mrs. Happy-go-lucky herself. She's pretty worked up about   
all this. Besides, you heard over the intercom. They've probably got it under   
control already."  
  
Suddenly a man with bear ears riding a blue streak of lightning flew across the   
intersecting hallway in front of them.  
  
Lars pointed and wrinkled his nose.  
  
"What was that?" Sara yelped.  
  
"Let's check it out," Lucus said, running to the intersection and looking   
around the corner.  
  
"Well?" Sara asked, catching up to him with Lars.  
  
"Shh! He's stopped, and he's looking at the wall," Lucus whispered.  
  
"What's he doing?" she whispered back.  
  
Quandry looked behind him and saw that the Shumi weren't following. He then   
looked at the wall next to him and smiled, reaching for his paint can.  
  
"He's spraying something," said Lucus.  
  
"Spraying what?"  
  
"Let's wait until he leaves and then check it out."  
  
When Quandry was done tagging his mark, he skated off down the hall. Lucus,   
Sara, and Lars immediately ran out of their hiding spot and examined the wall.  
  
Lars cocked his head to the side.  
  
"It's a big Q," said Lucus.  
  
"Oh my..." Sara began thoughtfully, "This is all starting to make sense."  
  
Lucus looked at her.  
  
"He's not an intruder, he's a Treppie!"  
  
Lars wrinkled his nose again. Lucus still looked at her.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I said he's a Treppie! You know, like us!"  
  
"He's a Treppie?"  
  
"Of course! Look, put two and two together. This is Balamb garden, and he just   
sprayed a Q. It's gotta stand for Quistis!"  
  
At the sound of the name, Lars smiled and softly clapped his hands a few times.  
  
"Whoah, you might be right," Lucus said. "Let's trail him and see what he   
does."  
  
With that, the three of them marched down the hall to follow their tagging   
Treppie.  
  
  
[To be continued...]  
  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Tune in next time when we hear Quistis say, 'My laundry! My precious   
laundry!'"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [Reading the script for the next part] "She even shakes Xu's   
panties at Quandry!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "WHAT!?!?!?"  
  
Chibi-Quandry: [Snatches the script] "Hey! Gimme that."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [Approaches him with 'that look'] "Quaaanndryy...."  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Now... calm down Xu! That was taken out of context!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [Aside to Quandry] "Might I suggest running?"  
  
Chibi-Quandry: [Kicks in his boosters] "I wish I had read Captain Cactuar right   
about now...!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [Smug grin] "If you make it out of this one, I'll lend them to   
you!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [Leaping after Quandry] "Those skates won't save you now, you   
panty-raiding painter punk!"  
  
Chibi-Quandry: [Skating away] "Hey wait! This chase scene doesn't happen until   
the next part!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Next part? Hahahahahahaha!!! I laugh! Now get back here, I have some   
urgent business with your duodenum."  
  
[End]  



	8. Part 07 - Omake Theatre 6!

[Cue Bob the janitor, mopping across the stage as the curtains open]  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Hey Bob, still hard at work?"  
  
Bob: "You don't understand, man, this stuff won't come out!"  
  
Chibi-Q: "Really? What is it?"  
  
Bob: "It's best not to ask. 'My Fair Kadowaki' was the last show on stage."  
  
Chibi-Q: "Eww... I'll take your advice."  
  
[Bob throws a mat down over the stage as Chibi-Sean approaches.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "You know Quandry, I have to say that I've grown to like having  
you around."  
  
Quandry: "Really? Thanks, man! That means a lot, coming from an actual  
character and all. Even if you are dead."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Really, I mean it. Granted, the exercise was good for me, but  
I feel I've earned some well-deserved rest from Xu chasing ME around all  
the time. Thanks to you, I'm out of trouble."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Uh-uh, pal. Just because he's a freak doesn't mean you're off  
the hook!"  
  
Chibi-Q: "Guys, please! You start all of my omakes with an argument! What's  
up with that? I should pick some different characters."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Oh really? Well maybe if you actually READ THE FANFIC, you'd  
know who the other characters are!?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [ring-side announcer uniform] "Ooh... below the belt!"  
  
Chibi-Q: "Hey! I read the fanfic! Of course I read it."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Oh yeah? Then what happened in the last part?"  
  
Chibi-Q: "You know! That one character... did that one thing... with that  
other character..."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "What kind of weapon do I use?"  
  
Chibi-Q: "Uh... verbal jabs? Sharp wit? Harsh language?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Do you even know who the authors are!?"  
  
Chibi-Q: "That's easy! Anne McCaffrey and Tom Clancy."  
  
Chibi-Sean: [Taps Quandry on shoulder] "At this point I'd normally offer  
you a shovel. However, I see you're already using a back-hoe to dig the hole  
you're in, so I'll just leave you to it, shall I?" [Inches away from the  
stage]  
  
[Chibi-Xu tackles Chibi-Q, and they disappear in a cloud of fighting]  
  
[Chaos and Greenbeans close the curtains on the stage]  
  
Chaos: "He's your friend, you make an excuse."  
  
Greenbeans: "Um... now for part two of Quandry's omake, 'Invasion of the  
Panty-Painter!"  
  
Chibi-Q: [peeks his head out of the curtain] "Hey, that's not what it's  
called!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [grabs his head and pulls] "Get back in here!"  
  
Chaos & Greenbeans: [sweatdrop]  
  
  
***  
  
Quandry reached the end of the hallway and skated in a small circle to  
stop. Approaching the door labeled 'laundry room,' he checked down the  
hallway for followers one more time before entering. He didn't see anyone.  
He took off his earphones and put them around his neck, but he didn't hear  
any voices or footsteps either. Satisfied, he opened the door and skated  
into the room.  
Quistis turned to look at him.  
  
  
"This way," said Lucus, "Quietly!" He urged Sara and Lars to follow as  
they pursued Quandry down the hall. Sara scampered across the floor,  
leaning up against the wall at each stop, while Lars simply tip-toed his  
large body along behind them.  
"He's looking again! Everybody hold still, and don't make a sound."  
They froze and held their breath, listening for their man to continue  
skating so they could follow. Instead, they heard a door open. Lucus ducked  
his head around the corner to see where Quandry was going.  
"What's he doing?" Sara asked with a poke.  
"He's going into the laundry room."  
"The laundry room? Why the laundry room?"  
"I have no idea. The only way out of there is back through this hallway,  
so we'd better decide what we're going to do when he comes--"  
Lars leaned toward Lucus and put a finger to his lips. Lucus and Sara  
looked at him. He tapped his right ear, and they all stopped to listen.  
"Voices," Lucus decided. "There's someone else in there with him."  
"No no," Sara corrected, "That's not just someone. That's Quistis. I know  
her voice."  
Lars clapped his hands softly and smiled.  
"Let's move up to that next corner," Sara pointed. "The door is still open  
so we'll have to move quietly, but maybe from there we can hear what's  
going on."  
"Okay, let's go."  
  
  
As he entered the room, Quandry turned to tag another small "Q" on the  
wall, but ran out of paint before he could finish.  
"Aww," he thought, "Well I guess it was time to go anyway."  
He tossed the paint can into a trash bin, and looked up to find that  
someone was watching him from right across the room.   
This alarmed him. He didn't know what to think as their eyes met. For an  
uncomfortably long moment, she just stared at him. She was standing in  
front of a laundry cart, her arms folded, holding in each hand a garment  
that was partially covered with green paint. From the looks of her gaze,  
she wasn't happy about something, so Quandry guessed that she probably  
owned the painted garments.  
"What the hell are you doing!?" she blurted coldly.  
"Whoah! Uh, nothing!"  
"Who are you?"  
"I'm... ah..."  
"What's your student number?"  
"Uh... one."  
"I don't think so." She walked slowly toward him. "You must be responsible  
for these," she said, holding her clothes out in front of him. In her right  
hand she held a small white (and green) frilly garment, and in her left was  
a larger pink (and green) vest.   
"What? Just because I have a can of green paint, you think I--"  
"Shut up."  
"Okay."  
"I want some answers. You will tell me your real student number, why  
you're wearing that ridiculous outfit, and why you're painting the laundry  
room." She grabbed one of his bear ears, pulled him in close, and whispered  
semi-sensually into his ear, "If you don't, I'll make you wear these  
clothes and hang you upside down in the dorm lobby until morning. Maybe  
then you'll be more forthcoming?"  
Quandry's eyes widened as Quistis leaned back with a smile and let go of  
his bear ear. She gave the smaller white garment a little shake as he eyed  
it askance.  
  
  
"I think she just gave him a kiss!"  
"What?" Sara tugged at Lucus' sleeve. "What happened!? What do you mean  
kiss??"  
"When I looked just now, I saw her lean in and kiss him on the cheek!"  
"WHAT!??" she whispered harshly.  
"Actually... she might have also... well, never mind."  
"Might have what!?" Sara grabbed him by the shirt with both hands and  
lifted him toward her. "Never mind NOTHING! She might have what?"  
"She might have... um, nib... nibbled on his ear."  
Sara dropped him to the floor.  
"Lucky bastard!" she yelled.  
Lars wrinkled his nose.  
  
  
Quistis turned her head as she heard a shout from just outside the door.  
Quandry took the opportunity to duck, turn to face the door, and activate  
his boosters.  
"You won't get far," she said to him quietly. She watched as his boosters  
propelled him directly toward the wall opposite the door. He jumped, hit  
the wall sideways, and skated along it to make his turn down the hallway.  
Quistis walked out of the laundry room to find three dumbfounded cadets  
leaning against the near wall, staring down the hallway at the skater who  
had just flown by so spectacularly.  
"Hi," she said.  
The three of them jumped and looked at her, coming away from the wall.  
Lucus waved shyly and looked at his feet. Sara stared with her mouth open,  
her jaw quivering. Lars clapped his hands softly and smiled.  
"Um," Sara said, mostly to get her mouth to close. "Um... um.."  
"That's three times now, you've mentioned that," Quistis said.  
"Uh," she replied instead.  
"Selphie sent us," Lucus finally spoke up. "She asked us to escort you to  
PHQ."  
"Yeah," said Sara.  
"Thank you," Quistis said, "but that won't be necessary. I'll head up  
there myself. You three should probably go follow him." She pointed down  
the hallway.  
"Yeah," said Sara again, still staring at her.  
"Yes mam, we'll do that," Lucus said, getting a hold of Sara's arm. "Won't  
we, Sara?"  
"Yeah," she said.  
  
  
Quandry reached the intersection he had passed before and stopped. Some  
Shumi and several students were crowded around each passage. He could  
already hear the footsteps of the three cadets he had passed coming down  
the hall behind him.  
"Halt!" shouted one of the Shumi. "You are trespassing on Garden property."  
"Without a permit, you are an intruder," said another one.  
"You shall be dealt with accordingly," said a third.  
Quandry wrinkled his eyebrows and put his headphones on as the surrounding  
guards began to approach. His Lyra played Cautionary Warning from Black  
Heaven. He looked around him to see which hallway had the least number of  
people guarding it. In front of him there were too many people to count. To  
his left, there were three armed cadets kneeling in front of four Shumi. On  
the right, there were just two Shumi and a student carrying her books  
behind them. The Shumi had their arms stretched out, so Quandry thought  
he'd try the trick he used before.  
Activating his boosters, he ducked, turned to the right, and flew between  
the two Shumi. As he emerged on the other side of them, the student spun  
around on her toes and smashed Quandry's face with the flat end of one her  
books. He fell backward from the force, but the rockets in his skates kept  
propelling him past her. He slid to a stop as his back hit the ground.  
"Get him!" someone shouted.  
Quandry sat up and looked behind him to see a large group of people  
running toward him, led by a girl wielding a book over her head. She threw  
it at him as he jumped up and skated away.  
"Are all the females at this Garden completely ruthless?" he mumbled to  
himself, holding a hand over his bleeding nose.  
  
  
"I guess he went that way," Lucus said, pointing at the large group of  
people running far down the hallway to their right. Sara and Lars caught up  
as they all finally reached the intersection.  
"I can't believe it!" Sara spat. "I acted like such an idiot!"  
"What are you talking about?" asked Lucus.  
"In front of Quistis! I just stood there babbling like a retard."  
"Oh, come on, you're exaggerating."  
"No I'm not."  
"Look, she only saw us for what, ten seconds? She's doesn't know who you  
are, and she's not going to recognize you the next time she sees you anyway."  
"How do you know that?"  
"Because! Look at how many people there are in this Garden. She sees  
hundreds of faces every day. You think she's going to remember yours after  
ten seconds?"  
"Well what if she does?"  
"If she does, it's not like she's going to point and laugh at you, and  
start making fun. This is Quistis we're talking about here. Quistis Trepe.  
She's too cool for that. Right?"  
"I guess."  
"Right?"  
"Yeah, you're right."  
"Good. Now let's be good little students and do what she asked. Just think  
of all the cool stuff this guy might know about Quistis! It's like you  
said, he's obviously the ultimate Trepie. He even got a kiss from her!"  
"Don't talk about that! I'm still jealous."  
"I'm sorry. Look, the point is, they clearly know each other pretty well.  
If we find this guy, we could ask him all kinds of questions. In fact," he  
paused to smile and regain eye contact from her, "We could have him  
introduce us."  
"What? I... I don't know..."  
"Sure! You'll have a second chance. You could even think of something to  
say this time, so you won't have to worry about screwing it up!"  
Sara smiled.   
"You think so?" she asked.  
"Yes, I think so."  
Lars tapped him on the shoulder.  
"What is it, Lars?"  
Lars presented a book.  
"Yes? What about it?"  
He turned it around.  
"It's a Deling cookbook, from the library. What about it?"  
Lars pointed at the blood on the corner of the cover. Lucus took it and  
looked at it.  
"Whoah. What happened?"  
Lars threw a thumb over his shoulder. Lucus looked around him and saw  
another book lying in the hallway.  
"You found this over there?"  
Lars nodded.  
"Okay, let's go have a look."  
"There's blood on the floor too," Sara said as they approached the other  
book. "See these little droplets? It looks like they continue down the hall."  
"Do you think it's his?" Lucus asked.  
"Could be. They chased him in the same direction. Let's follow them and  
see where they go."  
"That looks like our best option. Okay, lead the way."  
The blood stains on the floor trailed around a couple of corners and  
finally ended in front of a door labeled 'No Access.' Part of a bloody  
hand-print was on the panel next to the door.  
"What's in here?" Sara asked.  
"Whoever's bleeding, I guess," Lucus said, shrugging.  
Lars used the panel and opened the door. He tried to turn on the lights  
too, but only one of the bulbs was working. The three of them stepped  
inside and saw a few boxes stacked in one corner, a mop and a bucket in  
another, and a large pipe with an opened hatch coming out of the floor in  
the center of the room.  
"Access to the tunnels," Sara said. "Should we follow him?"  
"I don't know," Lucus said with hesitation. "We're really, really not  
supposed to go in there."  
"You just said we should do what Quistis told us to do, and that's follow  
him."  
"I know, I know. It's just that we're really really REALLY really not  
supposed to go in there."  
"Well then what do you suggest we do? Just let him get away? I don't see  
that we have any other options."  
Lars put a hand on each of their shoulders.  
"There are always other options," he told them.  
Lucus and Sara looked at him.  
He smiled.  
  
***  
  
"It's been over an hour."  
"And?"  
"And we're still in these stupid tunnels!"  
"Chill, Beans! We're almost there, I'm sure. These areas are starting to  
look more maintained."  
"Maintained or not, we're lost, and we're wasting valuable time. Think of  
the things I could have been researching!"  
"Hey! If we hadn't come in this way, we would have been caught. You know  
how their patrols are now! The only thing you'd be researching then is the  
barrel of a gunblade aimed at your head."  
"Whatever," Greenbeans mumbled. "Those things are stupid anyway."  
"Stupid or not, they pose a real threat. Just like everyone else in this  
Garden does, if they see us."  
"I know that. I just still have a bad feeling about this."  
"Well, maybe that's good," said Chaos with a shrug. "Maybe that just means  
you're on your toes."  
They came to an intersection of tunnels and stopped.  
"Here, I'll let you pick, just to show I'm a good sport," Chaos offered.  
Greenbeans looked down each hallway.  
"I wish he was here right now..." she said to herself.  
"Who?" Chaos asked.  
"Oh, a friend of mine... he always seems to go exactly the right way on  
accident. I just wish he were here. I'd have him decide."  
"Ah. Well, what do you think?"  
"Let's go right."  
They walked a few feet down the corridor to the right.  
"Do you hear something?" Greenbeans asked, pausing.  
"Yes, my stomach. I'm hungry."  
"No, I mean down the hall. It's a rumbling sound."  
"It's my tummy rumbling. I can throw my stomach."  
"Shh! I'm serious."  
Suddenly, a loud squeak reverberated around them, and a dim light shone  
down on them from above. They aimed their flashlights and looked up. A dark  
figure was looming over a hole in the ceiling above them.  
"Uh-oh," said Greenbeans. "Run!" She looked and found that Chaos already  
started. The figure dropped from the ceiling and landed directly onto her.  
"Mmf!" she yelped.  
Chaos stopped and ran back.  
"Wait!" he yelled. "Don't hurt her! We're sorry! Please don't kill us!"  
He pointed the flashlight at the two of them on the floor.  
"Hey... you're not Garden faculty, are you?"  
"Oww," he responded.  
Greenbeans tried to push him off.  
"It's slobbering on me!" she cried.  
"Who are you?" Chaos asked.  
"I'm Quandry," he said stuffily, "and I'm not slobbering. I'm bleeding."  
"Would you mind getting off me?"  
Quandry took a good look at what he was leaning over.  
"Oooh baby. Do I have to?"  
"That depends. Do you value your scrotum?"  
"I'll get off." He did, and sat against the wall, holding his nose.  
Greenbeans picked up her flashlight and sat in front of Quandry. She took  
his hand away from his nose.  
"Here, let me look at that," she said, taking a handkerchief out of her  
pocket. "Hold this to your nose until it stops. Don't lean your head back.  
What happened to you?"  
"I got booked by a student."  
"So, I take it you know each other?" Chaos asked.  
Greenbeans stood and helped Quandry up.  
"This is Quandry," she explained.  
"As in the author?"  
"Yep."  
"Who's that, and can he take his flashlight out of my face?" Quandry asked.  
"Oh, sorry." Chaos turned off his light. "I'm Chaos."  
"As in the fanboy?"  
"Yep. I can't say it's a pleasure, but I have to admit that I've met  
people under stranger circumstances," he said, extending a hand. "Nice to  
finally meet you, though."  
"You too," said Quandry, shaking his hand with a bloody one.  
"Eww!"  
"My bad. Look, we should keep moving. I was being chased by half the  
Garden when I came down here. They can't be far behind."  
"Sounds good to me," Greenbeans agreed. "Which way should we go?"  
Quandry thought for a moment.  
"Let's go left."  
  
***  
  
The door to the PHQ classroom slid open and Quistis walked quickly  
through. Selphie and Xu looked at her.  
"Ah, Quistis. We have a situation..."  
"Yes, I'm well aware, thank you."  
"You are?" Selphie looked puzzled. "Where are the cadets I sent to get you?"  
"I had them follow the intruder."  
"You... so you know about him?"  
"Know about him? I met him."  
"Met him where?"  
"In the laundry room!" she held up the clothes she was still carrying.   
Xu looked startled. All of the students turned their attention to Quistis,  
as they usually do when she raises her voice.  
"My laundry," she said, "My precious laundry!"  
"Um, Quistis..." Xu began, under her breath.  
"Look what he did!"  
"Quistis..."  
"Do you know he painted a laundry cart?"  
"Quistis."  
"My shirt was in there! Look what he did to my vest!" She threw it at  
Selphie's feet.  
Xu inched closer and nudged Quistis.  
"And my panties! He spray-painted my panties!!"  
"Quistis!  
"What, Xu!?"  
"Those, uh... those aren't... YOUR panties."  
Quistis looked at them as several large beads of sweat began forming on  
her head.  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [full-body blush] "Ah... heh-heh..." [holds the panties  
toward Xu]  
  
Chibi-Xu: [Takes them and quickly stuffs them under her shirt]  
  
Sam snickered. Kae used her elbow again to stop him.  
"He's been painting EVERYTHING," Selphie said. "Perhaps you saw some other  
examples on your way up here?"  
"No," said Quistis.  
"Then have a look at this." She took her to Sam's computer and showed her  
the Quad.  
"Q," Quistis said.  
"Yep. We think he's a Trepie," Selphie explained.  
"He's obviously hard-core," Xu added, "but what's odd about this case is  
the fact that he's an intruder. Trepies are usually students here."  
"He's not just an intruder," Quistis said, looking up from the screen.  
"He's an author."  
Xu hesitated.  
"Another author? You mean... Corvus is back? But I thought..."  
"No, he didn't look like Corvus, and he was too tall to be Chaos."  
"Are you sure? He was wearing skates," Selphie suggested.  
"Trust me on this one," she said, looking at the two of them. "He's an  
author. Search the database and see what you can come up with."  
"What should we search for?" Kae asked.  
Quistis turned to her.  
"From what I have seen, we know that he likes the color green, he wears  
bear ears, he skates..."  
"And he's annoying," Selphie finished.  
"He also told me that his student number was 'one.' That's all we have, so  
see what you can dig up."  
"I'm on it," Kae said, typing away.  
"In the mean time, let's make sure all the patrols are on full alert.  
Whoever he is, he's not allowed to be here. Oh, and Selphie?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I believe Cid wanted to have a word with you. He's in his office."  
Selphie gulped and sauntered out the door.  
  
[To be continued...]  
  
***  
  
[Chibi-Q limps on-stage with chibi sized crutches to help him along]  
  
Chibi-Q: "Stay tuned... urgh... I'll be bringing you the next omake from  
the comfort of my hospital bed. Gyahh.. hopefully." [limps away]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Stay tuned? What, does he mean there's ANOTHER part?? This is  
getting silly. Hey, Greenbeans, he's taking up all of the omake spots. Is  
he allowed to do that?"  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: "Um, I'm not sure yet."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "Well, there's no rule that says we can't have more than one  
omake per release date. We've done it before. Besides, I feel kinda sorry  
for the guy. Look at him, all beat up like that."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "It's not like he didn't deserve it! Do you have any idea how  
hard it is to get green paint out of your panties!?"  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: "You think that's bad? Try spilling it on your knee some  
time! See how YOU like walking around the house with no pants on!"  
  
Chibi's Sean, Xu, and Chaos: "....what!?"  
  
Chibi-Greenbeans: [sweatdrops] "Oops... too much information... uh... see  
you next time!"  
  
[Chibi-Greenbeans quickly grabs her remote control and turns off your  
monitor]  



	9. Part 08 - Omake Theatre 7!

[Sean, Xu, and Quistis are standing on a stage waiting for a cue that is   
long overdue. A nervous looking Beans pokes her head out from between the   
curtains before deciding that it's safe to come out.]  
  
Sean: [rubbing his hands together with anticipation] "So, are we ready for the   
final part of Quandry's omake? And do we get to see more of Xu's panties in   
this part?"  
  
[Xu gives Sean a dirty look while Beans hedges away from the characters]  
  
Beans: "Um... not exactly."  
  
Xu: "What do you mean 'not exactly'? I've caught Sean trying to look up my   
skirt four times in the last two weeks. I want this omake over with!"  
  
Sean: [innocent look] "I was doing it for you, Xu-chan! Just making sure you   
didn't have any green paint on your panties."  
  
Xu: "... You see what I have to live with?"  
  
Beans: "Well, um, Quandry's gone to Disneyworld. He'll be back to finish the   
omake after he's done tagging the Magic Kingdom."  
  
Quistis: "Lucky, I want to go to Disneyworld."  
  
Sean: [placing an arm across Xu's shoulders] "Remember the last time you and I   
went to Disneyland and especially the Haunted Mansion? And when the car   
holding the two of us stopped and the lights went out. Even in the dark I   
could see the shine of your eyes as we--"  
  
[Sean stops and wiggles his eyebrows seductively at her.]  
  
Xu: [pushing Sean away] "I don't know what final fantasy you're living in, but   
we've never been to an amusement park together."  
  
Quistis: "Ano... wasn't the last time you were alone in the dark during the   
power outage last week?"  
  
Xu: "Yep, Sean and I were in the Training Center when the lights cut out. A   
Grat wrapped a limb around Sean's head when he got a bit too close."  
  
Sean: [pouting] "If you hadn't moved, I wouldn't have missed when I tried to   
grab your hand..."  
  
Beans: [nearly worked her way over to the edge of the stage!] "Anyhow, this   
week's omake is a bit of filler I wrote to keep you guys occupied. We're doing   
another classic literature omake."  
  
Xu: --; "Not finished beating a dead horse, are you?"  
  
Sean: "Is Captain Cactaur considered classic literature?"  
  
Beans: [leaping off the stage and fleeing!] "Uh, sure... See ya!"  
  
Xu: "I hate the authors when they're here and even more so when they're not. I   
just can't win..."  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs  
  
OMAKE THEATRE 7!!!  
  
  
[Chibis Xu, Sean, and Quistis are gathered around a fire on a chilly   
winter night. Chibi-Xu is sitting in a comfortable chair with a large book   
resting on her lap. Chibi-Quistis is sitting by her feet leaned up against the   
chair. Chibi-Sean is sitting perched on the armrest.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Welcome to another Omake Theatre, where Garden cultivates a sense of   
learning."  
  
[Chibi-Xu pauses as she waits for someone to make a stupid crack about her   
pun.]  
  
Crickets: "..."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "What are you going to read for us tonight?"  
  
  
[Chibi-Xu holds up the book so that everyone can see it]  
  
Chibi-Xu: ^^v "'The Tonberry Tales'."  
  
Chibi-Sean: [dryly] "Old Geoffrey's probably rolling in his grave..."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "... Let's begin, shall we?"  
  
  
Whan that aprill with his shoures soote  
The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,  
And bathed every veyne in swich licour  
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;  
  
  
Chibi-Sean: o.O; ^-^ "I always knew you had a skilled tongue Xu-chan."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "What language is that?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Middle English, Quistis-chan."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [curious] "How come we never hear your speak in your native   
language?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [leaning down to speak privately with Chibi-Quistis] "Because it's   
the forbidden language of passionate love-mak*OAF!*"  
  
[Chibi-Xu glares at Chibi-Sean, who was abruptly shoved to the floor from   
his perch on the armrest. Chibi-Quistis turns to Chibi-Sean, who is now seated   
beside her.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: [rubbing his tailbone] "Hey, I wasn't the one who wrote the Kama   
Xutra."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Did you read the Tonberry Tales when you were younger,   
Sean-sempai?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Of course I did! Especially the one with baths in it."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [sigh!] "If you read this before you'd know that the Tale of the Wife   
of Bath has nothing to do with baths."  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^^v "Not in the version I read."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [whacks Chibi-Sean with the book] "If you're finished, I'd like to   
continue."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Let's skip the Prologue and go on to the Knight's Tale."  
  
  
The image of red Mars, with spear and shield  
So shone upon his banner's snow-white field  
  
  
Chibi-Quistis: ^^ "I saw Mars on 'Sailor Moon' yesterday!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [pat pat] ^^; "Thank you for sharing, Quistis-chan."  
  
  
It made a billowing glitter up and down;  
And by the banner borne was his pennon,  
On which in beaten gold was worked, complete,  
The Minotaur, which he had slain in Crete.  
  
  
Chibi-Sean: "... I thought Minotaur was in the Tomb of the Unknown King."  
  
[An angry Chibi-Guardian Force pops up!]  
  
Chibi-Sacred: "What's all this about someone killin' my bro?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "When are we going to get to the good stuff like the Wife of Bath's   
Tale?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Fine! I know you'll whine until we get there."  
  
  
"My love?" cried he, "nay, rather my damnation!  
Alas! that any of my race and station  
Should ever so dishonoured foully be!"  
But all for naught; the end was this, that he  
Was so constrained he needs must go and wed,  
And take his ancient wife and go to bed.  
  
  
Chibi-Quistis: o.O!  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Woohoo! I *knew* there was a reason that this was my favorite   
one!"  
  
  
"Now since you say that I am foul and old,  
Then fear you not to be made a cuckold;  
For dirt and age, as prosperous I may be;  
Are mighty wardens over chastity.  
Nevertheless, since I know your delight,  
I'll satisfy your worldly appetite."  
  
  
[Chibi-Xu stops reading abruptly and looks down at Chibi-Sean, who has a   
broad grin plastered on his face.]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "Sean-sempai, are you all right?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: *_* "We'll discuss it when you're older, Quistis-chan. Xu and I   
can discuss it tonight if she'd like..."  
  
[Chibi-Sean shakes it off.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "So when are we getting to the bath part?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Haven't you been listening? The Wife is *from* Bath, not taking   
one!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Are you sure?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: --; "Baka."  
  
Chibi-Sean: "I think we should act this stuff out. It will help us remember it   
better and all. I'll go get the towels, Xu can draw the bath..."  
  
[Chibi-Xu pummels him with the book again.]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: o.O; "He's going to need a bath to clean that up..."  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Should I finish this Tale or not?"  
  
[Chibi-Quistis gives Chibi-Sean a pleading look to not anger Chibi-Xu   
further. Chibi-Sean settles down and Chibi-Xu continues.]  
  
  
That she so very fair was, and young too,  
For joy he clasped her in his strong arms two,  
His heart bathed in a bath of utter bliss;  
  
  
Chibi-Sean: "HAHAHA! I *told* you there was a bath involved!!"  
  
  
A thousand times, all in a row, he'd kiss.  
And she obeyed his wish in everything  
That might give pleasure to his love-liking.  
  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Now that's my kind of woman!"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "'Love-liking'?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [pat pat] ^^; "Never mind, Quistis-chan."  
  
  
And thus they lived unto their lives' fair end,  
In perfect joy; and Jesus to us send  
Meek husbands, and young ones, and fresh in bed,  
  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^^v  
  
  
And good luck to outlive them that we wed.  
And I pray Jesus to cut short the lives  
Of those who'll not be governed by their wives;  
  
  
Chibi-Sean: o.O "Erk!"  
  
  
And old and querulous niggards with their pence,  
And send them soon to mortal pestilence!  
  
  
Chibi-Sean: "Wha- what does *that* mean?!"  
  
[Chibi-Chaos pops up from behind the chair!]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "It means 'Submit to Xu or suffer the consequences.'"  
  
[Chibi-Chaos is abruptly punted through the ceiling by an enraged   
Chibi-Xu.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: ;_; "I'd submit to her, but she won't let me!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: --; "I think we've had enough for tonight. Come along, Quistis-chan,   
we have training in the morning."  
  
[Chibis Xu and Quistis leave Sean to find his own bed. While the pervert   
is admiring the sway of Xu's hips as she leaves the room, Chaos falls through   
the hole in the ceiling and hits the floor with a thud.]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [nursing a bruised elbow] "Couldn't you have done something to   
break my fall? Put out a couple throw pillows at the very least?"  
  
[Chibi-Sean, with a dreamy look on his face, continues to ignore   
Chibi-Chaos.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "I hope she tucks me in before going to bed next time."  
  
[The author gives him a sour look.]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "In your dreams, monster bait."  
  
[End!]  



	10. Part 09 - Omake Theatre 8!

[Cue the SD FFVIII fic characters dancing across the screen!]  
  
All: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!"  
  
[Suddenly they all freak out and run away. Moments later, a crazed, giant   
mechanical spider chases after them!]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [at the helm] "How do you drive this X-ATM...whatever the hell   
this thing's name is?!"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [drawing a spell bead] "THUNDARA!!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Isn't metal a great conductor for electricity?"  
  
*ZAP!!!*  
  
Chibi-Chaos: --;; [smoky li'l author] "OW."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: ^^; "Oops."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "Yeah...oops."  
  
  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE 8  
  
  
[Cue a platoon of Chibis milling around Balamb Garden's Quad. The camera   
swings around to focus in on Chibi-Xu.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: "Like a weed that won't die, let me welcome you to yet *another* Omake   
Theatre."  
  
Chibi-Sean: o.O "That's rather pessimistic of you, Xu-chan. What's up?"  
  
[Chibi-Xu shoots a pointed glare towards the three authors, who have   
made themselves at home in the Garden.]  
  
Chibi-Xu: --; "*They're* here!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: [consoling hug] "Awww.. What mischief can they cause in an Omake?"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "Say, anyone want to hear my newest song for the FFVIII character   
album?"  
  
Everyone: "No."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: ^^v "Too bad! I'm an author. Somebody cue the Eiffel 65 music!"  
  
[A frighteningly addictive techno beat starts up, complete with keyboard   
piano intro!]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [with mic] "Okay, here's my first smash single, Xu (Da Ba   
Dee)!!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [NASTY eyebrow twitch] "He's not serious, is he?"  
  
Chibi-Beans: "Sadly, he is."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [singing]  
  
o/~ Now listen up, here's a fanfic  
About a little girl who lives in a Xu world  
And all day and all night  
Everything she sees is Xu like her  
Inside and outside  
Xu's Anshin  
With a Xu Balamb Garden  
And a Xu.... o/~  
  
[The music comes to a screeching halt.]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [pausing] "Okay, I'm still working on that part."  
  
[Cue the facevaults!]  
  
Chibi-Sean: [loading his pistol] "Well, Chaos was right. This song'll be a   
smash--though that will happen to *him* once the lynch mob arrives. Laguna,   
would you care to do the honours?"  
  
[A large temporal rift suddenly opens up with a dazzling CG cinema.   
Everyone choruses "ooooh!" as Chibi-Laguna makes his dramatic appearance and   
steps out from the portal. Chibi-Leguna then gives Chaos an evil grin.]  
  
Chibi-Laguna: ) "My pleasure. Presenting my Limit Break: DESPERADO!!"  
  
[Frantically, Chibi-Chaos makes a mad dash across the Omake as Chibi-Laguna   
launches a full machine-gun assault and then lobs a few hand grenades at the   
SD author for good measure.]  
  
Chaos: @.@ "Who gave that chibi a gun?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [glowering] "Maybe we should get Greenbeans too."  
  
Chibi-Beans: o.O; [panicky li'l bean] "Me?! Why?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [pointing at Chaos] "You let him work on the fic. It's your   
fault."  
  
Chibi-Beans: [shuffling her feet] "Quistis-chan would defend me."  
  
Chibi-Quandry: "Beans, she's a SeeD. You can't afford her services..."  
  
Chibi-Beans: ) "I have enough money for a one night stand!"  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [blush!]  
  
Chibi-Quandry: o.O;; "ACK!!!!"  
  
[Cue the facevaults!]  
  
Chibi-Beans: ^^v "I'm waiting to be pounded for that comment."  
  
Chibi-Xu: --;; "Your innuendos are as subtle as a T-Rexaur in a china shop."  
  
Chibi-Quandry: ;D "Somebody get Sean out the back door, then."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [turning to Sean] "You say NOTHING about this, okay?"  
  
Chibi-Sean: ^-^v "Hey, I can afford you for a one night stand anytime, Xu."  
  
[Chibi-Sean is unceremoniously throttled by Chibi-Xu!]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [still blushing] "I'm feeling a little self-conscious with   
all this attention."  
  
Chibi-Beans: [pat pat!] "That's okay, Quistis-chan. I'm sure after tonight   
with me, you'll get used to it."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "What are we doing tonight?"  
  
[Chibi-Beans abruptly feigns innocence as she tries to hide a copy of the   
Kama Xutra behind her back.]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: ^-^ "And just remember!"  
  
Chibi-Laguna: "What? You're still alive?"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: --;; "No thanks to you, Mister 'I've watched too many Chun   
Yow-Fat movies.' Now as I was saying, remember that your self-gratuitous   
moments with FFVIII characters are akin to Guardian Forces. You spend too much   
time with Quistis, and Xu'll get jealous."  
  
Chibi-Beans: o.O;;  
  
Chibi-Xu: [sharpening her sai] "I'm gonna plant you 6 feet under."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "But then how are you going to water her?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "I wasn't talking about a tree, you moron!"  
  
Chibi-Quandry: o.O! "Yo, yo, might I suggest we start running?"  
  
Chibi-Authors: [making tracks!] "Aiiiyyaaaa!!"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [lagging behind] "So what did Xu mean?"  
  
[As the authors heroically run down the halls and bowling over hapless cadets   
as they scream for help, the SeeDs casually watch the spectacle.]  
  
Chibi-Sean: "That was rather harsh, Xu, don't you think?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: ) "Not as harsh as the swarm of Glacial Eyes that are waiting outside   
the gate."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "You don't like them, do you?"  
  
Chibi-Xu: "I don't have to answer that."  
  
Chibi-Enju: "She's just jealous of you Quistis, that's all. You get more cinemas in the  
game than her."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [GLARE!] "What was that?"  
  
Chibi-Enju: ^-^;;;;; "Er, nothing! Gee... Xu with a grudge, and I thought Kei was bad!"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "The quiet ones are more dangerous."  
  
Chibi-Enju: "Hello? Semi-flamboyant killer assassin here?"  
  
[Chibi-Kei abruptly punts Chibi-Enju up into a light fixture!]  
  
Chibi-Kei: "You were saying?"  
  
Chibi-Enju: "And you call yourself aligned with justice?!"  
  
Chibi-Sean: "So the authors are gone, Xu's got a psychosis, and Enju and Kei are  
fighting yet again. Say, Quistis, want to get some hot dogs."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: "I'd rather not. Rumour has it that hot dogs are made from Grat."  
  
Chibi-Sean: . "Ewwwwww...."  
  
  
[End!] 


	11. Part 10 - Omake Theatre 9!

[Cue the SD FFVIII characters chasing a football across the  
screen!]  
  
All: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!"  
  
[The camera pans back to reveal Carbuncle leaned up against  
a football that's nearly half its size. It pushes the ball with  
its forelimbs away from it. The camera goes back even further to  
show who the cute little furball is playing with.]  
  
Chibi-Diablos: [with the football punctured on one of his claws]  
"I really need to clip those..."  
  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE!!!  
  
  
[Somewhere on the rather desolate but flat continent of  
Centra, a large object is seen moving out from the distant  
horizon. As it grows closer we see that it's Balamb Garden, still  
flying around. Upon finding the designated place, it comfortably  
settles down... before dropping the last ten meters and crashing  
into the grass with a resounding 'Whump!!']  
  
Squall: [at the driver's stick] "What do you expect? This  
Garden's standard, and I only know how to drive automatic."  
  
Rinoa: "Well if you hadn't popped the clutch like I'd *said*, we  
wouldn't be in this crater."  
  
Squall: "Hey, quit backseat flying!"  
  
Headmaster Cid: --;; "......"  
  
[Once the dust settles, the entry doors open up and the  
ramps are extended. Dozens of SeeDs and cadets pour out and take  
up seats around a large rectangular area outlined on the ground.   
Many of them have drinks and sunglasses, and are reclining in   
lounge chairs. Even more have their faces painted with the Balamb   
Garden colors, and are waving signs showing their allegiance to   
either SeeD or the team players.]  
  
Zell: [hitting the concession stand] "Yo, gimme a couple a'  
hot dogs."  
  
Biggs: [dressed in a vendor's uniform] "Sorry, we just ran out of  
them a minute ago."  
  
Zell: o.O;; "Wha? Dat's impossible! Who ate da last hot dogs?!  
I'll murder 'im wit a My Final Heaven!"  
  
Biggs: [pointing over to the lumbering form of Sphinxaur] "Oh, I  
believe he took the last two dozen."  
  
Zell: [eeep] "Maybe I'll just go for a Tofu dog instead."  
  
[Sitting atop one of the ramps, their booth hooked into the  
Garden PA system, are the game's commentators.]  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: ^-^ "Welcome to Omake Theatre! We're in for a real   
treat today, a football match of epic proportions: the Authors   
versus the SeeDs!"  
  
Enju: "With Xu as the captain of the SeeD team, I can't see this  
as being anything but messy. I'm almost afraid to watch."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: [???] "What are you doing here? Did you run out of  
people to kill or something?"  
  
Enju: ^^; "My clientele keep dropping like flies. But working in  
irrelevant omakes does provide a modest source of income for me  
when the world is at peace and no back stabbing is going on."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "Ahhh... I see."  
  
Enju: "Say, you wouldn't happen to have anyone who needs  
killing, do you?"  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "Why, no I certainly *coughMartinecough!!* don't!  
Moving along, let's take a look at today's line up."  
  
Enju: "Right-o! Representing Team SeeD is Xu, who is the captain.  
We've also got the twins from Trabia, Myn and Nym. And Quistis  
rounds out the starting line-up as the goalie."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "On the Authors' side is their captain,  
Chaos... SquareSoft help us all. Along with him are Beans and  
Quandry, and their goalie is... Helen Fong? Who's she?"  
  
[Cue the Iron Chef cameo!]  
  
Ohta: ^-^ [popping up between Enju and Kadowaki] "I can answer that  
one for you Kadowaki-san! Helen Fong has been doing conceptual  
artwork for the authors. She hasn't written anything for 'Sowing  
the SeeDs', so this is a case of guilt by association."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: [recoiling in surprise!] "Where'd you come from?!"  
  
Ohta: "Ah, the smells of a soccer match bring back the memories  
of that Iron SeeD competition I did five years ago when I whupped  
the uniform off some would-be Iron Chef Galbadia named Biggs at   
making Elvoret Courdon Bleu. Back to you, Enju-san!"  
  
Enju: ^^v "Thank you Ohta! Now since each team only has 4 members  
on it the playing field has been reduced in size. The halves have  
also been shortened at the request of the authors, who didn't  
think they could last the full 45 minutes per half."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "How long do they think they'll last if not 45  
minutes?"  
  
Enju: "Think the Fire Cavern test: they'll be lucky to survive  
ten minutes. But let's hear your opinion, Ohta."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: o.O; "You mean he hasn't left the commentator's  
booth yet?"  
  
Ohta: [making himself comfortable] "Well, Enju-san, I spoke with  
the Team Authors captain while in the locker room. After taking  
into account their lack of physical training, inept athletic  
skills, and the blood their opponents want to draw from them,  
he's giving them a solid 5 minutes before Beans drops the Lunatic   
Pandora on him, and the other authors use the diversion as a   
chance to escape."  
  
Enju: "Thank you Ohta! Back to you, Kadowaki."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: [um... okay] "Today's referee is none other than  
Headmaster Cid. He will be assisted by Headmaster Martine of   
Galbadia and Headmistress Rebecca of Trabia, who are filling the   
role of linesmen."  
  
Enju: [looking at Martine] "He looks like he could fill the role  
of two or three linesman, given that waistline."  
  
[Enju hastily ducks the Jelleye that gets lobbed at his  
head!]  
  
Enju: =( [giving Martine the SeeD 1-finger salute!] "Back at ya,  
Behemoth-for-brains!"  
  
Ohta: "Having all the officials be from Garden could work in the  
advantage of Team SeeD. On the other hand, Martine is known to  
hold a grudge against the team captain... and now one against a   
commentator too. Will we see that bias come into play today?"  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "Oh look! The players are coming out onto the   
field!"  
  
[Out first onto the field is the SeeD team dressed in black  
uniforms. They wave to the crowd who is cheering wildly for them.  
The entire section behind the SeeD goal is Trepie territory.  
Numerous 'Quistis 3:16' signs abound.]  
  
LeVar, Jessie, and Eugene: ^-^ "Quistis! Quistis! Quistis!"  
  
Enju: "The home team is certainly getting a warm welcome. Just  
look at all those Caterchipiller plushies being thrown onto the   
field."  
  
Ohta: "Did you know Caterchipillers tastes just like chicken? But   
you can bring out the flavor with some lemon sauce, a little   
grated cheese, and ketchup!"  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: [groan!] "I don't believe this. Oh, wait, here come  
the challengers!"  
  
[The Authors' entrance is remarkably spectacular... though  
rather dangerous as an out-of-control Doomtrain comes rolling  
onto the field. At the skull-shaped engine, Chaos (complete with  
a conductor's hat) is frantically trying to locate the brakes.  
The other authors, who were originally sitting atop the cars, are  
now clinging to Doomtrain's roof for dear life!]  
  
Enju: "And look, they're riding in style atop the Whoop-Ass Express!  
Such confidence!"  
  
Beans: [terrified li'l mame-chan!] "I don't wanna die!"  
  
Quandry: "Yo yo, that goes double for me! I'd rather grind train   
tracks, not be grinded on them!"  
  
Chaos: [rummaging through Doomtrain's glove compartment] "There's  
got to be a driver's manual here somewhere. How do you stop this  
GF anyways?!"  
  
[Suddenly Doomtrain choo-choo's right through the crowd and  
smashes into the side of Balamb Garden!]  
  
Enju: .=( [summoning a GF!] "DIE!!!"  
  
Chaos: o.O;  
  
*SQUISH!!*  
  
Ohta: [wince!] "And Kei's Alexander has just flattened Chaos like  
a Funguar pancake! Speaking of, I find that if you add chocolate   
shavings--"  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "Will you cut that out? What are you still doing here   
in the first place?!"  
  
Enju: [oblivious to Kadowaki's protests] "Ohta, I think you'll   
agree with me that Kei's attack didn't look like a contracted hit.   
Of course, if the attack was personal it may be because of that   
'A Galbadian Werewolf in Garden' fic Chaos wrote last week."  
  
Headmaster Cid: [blowing his whistle] "Penalty against the SeeD  
team! Kei, I'm afraid that was very unprofessional of you as a  
SeeD... no matter how much the little twit deserved it."  
  
Chaos: @.@ "She may be aligned with Justice, but where's  
the love?"  
  
Quandry: [scratching ears] "Hey Beans, he ain't a member of   
Poison Jam, is he? His brain's all messed up like theirs are,   
ya know?"  
  
Beans: "You think they'd take him? He may be a raging idiot, but   
better his butt get kicked than ours."  
  
Quandry: "I hear ya there."  
  
Helen: "Can I go home *now*?"  
  
[And so Kei is red carded for blowing up another player.   
SeeD Skye is pulled into the game for Kei.]  
  
Skye: [nodding to Xu] "Yo."  
  
Chaos: [bouncing back!] "Okay, I'm alive! I just had to restart  
myself in the game! So how are we doing?"  
  
Quandry: "Welcome back from the dead, bro. According to the game   
clock we've burned nearly 4 minutes."  
  
Chaos: ^-^ "Cool! We're doing better than I thought."  
  
Enju: "The game is resumed with SeeD Kei now on the sidelines.  
The ball is back in play from Nym to Skye... who is just standing  
there idly. Wait, she sees the ball by her feet! And she kicks it  
over to Xu without so much as actually moving from her spot! That  
Skye's so... so..."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "Apathetic?"  
  
Enju: [shrug!] "More or less. I was going to say 'statuesque' but  
yours works."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: "With the way Skye's evidently not taking the game  
seriously, she's playing just like Helen Fong. That does even the  
teams out some."  
  
Xu: [charging towards the authors' net!] "Golden Bird Holy Flower   
Dragon Tooth Glory Kick!!"  
  
Helen: [blink blink!] "Golden Bird what?"  
  
Kei: [blink blink!] "Holy's my department, cousin..."  
  
[The ball soars past a confused Helen and a goal is scored  
for SeeD!]  
  
Xu: ^^v "Wai!"  
  
Enju: "With that goal scored, the timer buzzes to announce the  
end of the first half of the game. It looks like the halftime   
show's about to begin!"  
  
Ohta: "You know, there's this great recipe for Ruby Dragon haggis I  
can whip up during the halftime. I did it last month on Iron  
SeeD, and the judges loved it!"  
  
Enju: ^^;; "Sounds... delicious. Kadowaki, baby, I'm sure you'd  
love to try it!"  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: [erk!] "Wha? Me?!"  
  
[Kadowaki helplessly turns to Enju... only to see a  
dissipating dust cloud left in his wake. And so, as Ohta prepares  
his Ruby Dragon haggis, the halftime show begins! Cue the line-up   
of Tonberry cheerleaders, complete with pompoms!!]  
  
Tonberry cheerleaders: [doing a victory cheer] "Doink! Doink!  
Doink doink doink!"  
  
Fujin: [watching the Tonberries in disbelief] "DRINK. NOW. CAN'T  
TAKE OMAKE SOBER."  
  
Quistis: [flipping through a Tonberry For Dummies book] "There  
has got to be a concise Tonberry/Standard dictionary in the Garden  
library somewhere..."  
  
Xu: [regrouping with the SeeD team] "Okay, we've got one goal  
against them. If they keep playing the way they have been, we're   
sure to blow them out of the entire Final Fantasy series!"  
  
Nym: [filing her nails with a shuriken dart] "Any strategies we  
want to work on for the second half?"  
  
Xu: "We should each take a player and stick it to them!"  
  
Skye: "Don't you mean 'stick with them'?"  
  
Xu: "Gee, let me think: no! Quistis, you're goalie so you're in  
the clear. But if anyone--especially Chaos--comes within striking  
distance, use your rante. Skye, while I'm impressed with your  
total lack of enthusiasm, I need to you to challenge Quandry. Nym,  
you take down Chaos the first chance you get. The Bean girl is  
mine."  
  
Quistis: "You're not... actually going to hurt the author who gave  
you life, are you?"  
  
Xu: "Nah! Just maim her a little, then cast Cura on her. It's been   
a long enough break without her writing anything about us. Paybacks   
are a bitch!"  
  
[Meanwhile, at the Author Team's goal area.]  
  
Beans: [regrouping with the authors] "Don't worry. We're still in  
the game; they're only one point ahead of us. And more importantly:   
we're still in the game. Chaos, I figured you would have been   
clobbered before the football was even dropped."  
  
Chaos: "Technically I was. Got in a fight with some Sphinxaur  
after he hoarded all the hot dogs. And trust me: when they step on  
you, it hurts."  
  
Helen: "You are a strange little author, you know that?"  
  
Chaos: ^^v "It comes with practice."  
  
Helen: [exasperated groan!] "Beans, why are we doing this?  
It's ridiculous and uncalled for. Hell, I'm not an author. I  
shouldn't even be here. All I did was draw some pics for your  
fanfic."  
  
Beans: "But we needed someone else, and no one wanted to  
volunteer their services as cannon fodder."  
  
Chaos: [raising his hand] "Hey, what about me?"  
  
Beans: "Chaos, your presence implies that you're automatic cannon  
fodder."  
  
Chaos: ^-^ "Anything to help out!"  
  
Helen: [blink blink!] "Is he usually like this?"  
  
Quandry: "He's a bit strange, yo, but I'm teaching him some of   
my better tricks. Just you wait, soon he'll be grinding like a   
lifelong GG!"  
  
Helen: [...] "You're strange too..."  
  
Beans: "Okay, back to the game plan. All we have to do is stay  
alive until the last two minutes of the match. I've got a secret  
weapon that will guarantee our survival and victory against the  
SeeDs. Until then, do whatever you must to keep us in the game.   
Questions?"  
  
Quandry: [raising his head] "Just a little one, yeah, why is the   
Tonberry King doing Elvis impersonations?"  
  
Beans: o.O; "He's what?"  
  
[The authors turn to the Tonberry float in the middle of the  
football field. There, dressed up like Elvis, is the sideburn-  
covered Tonberry King gyrating his hips and doinking to  
'Jailhouse Rock'.]  
  
Chaos: [shouting] "The King is dead! Live with it!"  
  
Tonberry King: *glare!*  
  
Beans: "Oh no, clear the field! He's going to launch 'Everyone's  
Grudge'!"  
  
[The authors immediately vacate the area, with Chaos looking  
around in confusion!]  
  
Chaos: [???] "Everyone?"  
  
[Cue the Everyone's Grudge!!]  
  
Chaos: "OW!!! Hey, that hurt! And it left a stain on my uniform   
too; damn, there goes my cleaning deposit."  
  
Nym: [pointing to the twitching fanboy in the field] "Um,  
technically that attack should have killed him. What gives?"  
  
Skye: [sigh!] "He's too much of an idiot to actually take the  
hint and die."  
  
Xu: "Oh, you mean like Seifer?"  
  
Seifer: [stomping out onto the field!] "I heard that!"  
  
Xu: [punting Seifer over to Trabia!] "We'll have none of your   
lip here, nancy boy!"  
  
Quistis: [mouthing] "Nancy boy?"  
  
Kei: [grin!] "Contact sports always brings out the aggressive  
side in Xu. She was a terror when the Anshin kids used to play  
tiddlywinks. It's a good thing Triple Triad isn't full contact,  
otherwise she'd leave a pile of corpses in her wake."  
  
[Back up in the commentator's booth!]  
  
Enju: ^-^ "I'm back! What did I miss?"  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: [looking sick] "My lunch coming back to haunt me."  
  
Ohta: "Hmph! You RPG characters have no stomach! My Ruby Dragon  
haggis is a delicacy in some Final Fantasy games. In fact... I've  
never actually seen any of you people eat during gameplay."  
  
Enju: "You think that's bad? You should try finding a bathroom in  
the Garden. They just don't seem to exist. Neither do our  
bladders for that matter."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki: . 


	12. Part 11 Omake Theatre 10!

[Cue the SD FFVIII fic characters dancing across the screen!]  
  
All: ^-^ "omake Omake OMAKE! WAAAIIIIII!!"  
  
[Suddenly Balamb Garden goes zooming by the characters, causing   
  
everyone to duck for cover. Chibi-Cid is frantically trying to figure out   
  
how to steer the thing. The Garden comes to an abrupt halt when it crashes   
  
into an oversized tree.]  
  
Chibi-Cid: "We're insured for that, right?"  
  
Sowing the SeeDs:  
  
OMAKE THEATRE!!!  
  
[Chibi versions of the three authors carefully sneak around the   
  
crash-landed Garden. Everyone is too busy dealing with their sudden stop to   
  
take notice of the notorious troublemakers. After sneaking into one of the   
  
Garden's many classrooms, Chibi-Corvus turns on the wall display, and   
  
Chibis Beans and Chaos attentively sit at desks to listen to his lecture.]  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "Today's Omake Theatre is about the best innovation in the   
  
Final Fantasy series!"  
  
Chibi-Beans: "Airships?"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "Fanservice?"  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "No, Tonberries!"  
  
[Chibi-Beans and Chibi-Chaos facefault!]  
  
Chibi-Corvus: [naive look] "What? They're cute, they're green, they're--"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: o.O; [lifting up a Tonberry's cowl] "--not wearing any pants!"  
  
Chibi-Corvus: [irate] "Of course not! They're Tonberries! Carbuncle doesn't   
  
wear any pants either, I might add."  
  
Chibi-Xu: [busy prying Cid off the control stick!] "Leave my Carbuncle out   
  
of this!!"  
  
Chibi-Enju: [fetching the crowbar] "The thought of a Chibi-Diablos in GAP   
  
jeans somehow just doesn't work."  
  
[Back to the classroom....]  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "Okay class, first question: Why do Tonberries carry lanterns   
  
with them?"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: ^^v "The lantern holds the souls of Travelers who are   
  
transitioning between this world and the next. In a way, the Tonberries are   
  
like a Motel 6. They give the souls a room to rest in until they're ready to   
  
continue on. Unfortunately, they don't have cable TV or a heated swimming   
  
pool, so Squall and the gang should rely more on a Best Galbadian   
  
franchise."  
  
[Chibis Corvus and Beans slowly turn to Chaos.]  
  
Chibi-Corvus & Chibi-Beans: [are you on crack?] "......"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [sinking down in his desk] "Was I wrong about the cable TV   
  
part?"  
  
Chibi-Beans: o.O; "I thought they had the lantern so that they could read   
  
the baby Tonberries stories before bed."  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "There are no baby Tonberries."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "So that's why I haven't been able to sell any of them Huggies   
  
pampers!"  
  
Chibi-Beans: "But aren't they all babies compared to the Tonberry King?"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "Elvis is a Tonberry?! Then my Motel 6 theory isn't so   
  
far-fetched after all! Of course...that means the King really is dead."  
  
[Cue the rather frightening disagreement with Chaos as the Tonberry King   
  
angrily crashes through the wall!]  
  
Tonberry King: [with whip] "Call me The King!"  
  
Kool-Aid guy: [crashing through the wall right next to the Tonberry King!]   
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
Chibified Authors: [cowing in a corner] "KYAAAAA!!!!"  
  
Tonberry King: [???] "Are you frightened of me, or the giant talking pitcher   
  
filled with fruit juice?"  
  
Chibified Authors: [frantically pointing to Mr. Kool-Aid] "The talking juice   
  
pitcher! The talking juice pitcher!"  
  
Tonberry King: [cracking his whip] "Looks like I'll have to go 'It's Sharp'   
  
on your ass, buddy!"  
  
Kool-Aid guy: o.O; "Oh no!"  
  
[The following melee has been censored from this Omake, so as not to   
  
permanently traumatize the minds of any young readers out there. We   
  
apologize for this inconvenience and now return you to a slightly damaged   
  
Garden classroom.]  
  
Chibi-Beans: [looking down at the floor] "I hope the janitor comes along   
  
soon. There's glass and tropical punch all over the place."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [scratching his head] "And here I thought Tonberries only went   
  
'Doink'. Did someone dub that guy's voice?"  
  
Chibi-Corvus: --; "Moving along to our next question: Why do Tonberries   
  
carry a Sacred Knife?"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [immediately raising his hand] "Because you never know when   
  
you'll run into a wild piece of toast that needs buttering?"  
  
[Chibi-Beans smacks Chaos with a baguette of French bread.]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: x.x [twitch twitch!] "Sacrebleu!"  
  
Chibi-Xu: [still prying!] "The bull in this Omake is thick enough that you   
  
need a knife to cut through it."  
  
Chibi-Aucifer: "Want me to get a Gunblade to do that?"  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "Actually, everybody knows that Tonberries carry the Sacred   
  
Knives because if they got their hands on swords, they'd do silly things."  
  
[Cue a Tonberry with a katana facing off against the wall!]  
  
Tonberry: "Doink doink doink...doink, doink doink!"  
  
Badly dubbed samurai voice: "Ya-hah, evil bricks. This will be a fine   
  
service for you, you wall of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove   
  
your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to   
  
eat."  
  
[The Tonberry then goes running past with a katana screaming "BANZAI!"   
  
and runs into a brick wall. Rather painfully too. The stunned Tonberry falls   
  
over, with Chocobos now running around its head and warking.]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "This is like that 'Don't run with scissors' rule, isn't it?"  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "Um...right. Something like that. Next question: Why do   
  
Tonberries appear in the Centra ruins?"  
  
Chibi-Beans: "Because they like to be in the...Centra...of all the action?"  
  
[Chibi-Corvus facefaults!]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: [looking down at Corvus] "It would have been funnier if I had   
  
said such a bad pun."  
  
Chibi-Goggleboy: [from the back of the room] "Glad I'm not in the middle of   
  
that mess."  
  
Chibified Authors: "Who is that guy?"  
  
Chibi-Beans: "Moving along. Why would the Tonberry King work for the people   
  
who beat up his followers?"  
  
[Screen shot of Squall, Quistis, and Zell as mobsters running a racket on   
  
the Tonberry King.]  
  
Squall: [doing a BAD Marlon Brando impression] "My fine green friend, let   
  
SeeD make you an offer you cannot refuse."  
  
Quistis: ^-^ [tugging on her rante] "Can I knock the [beep!] [beep!] outta   
  
'em yet, boss?"  
  
Zell: [sulking] "I coulda been a contenda'."  
  
Chibi-Corvus: ^^; "Whoops! How did that get in the Omake? Heh...."  
  
[Dead silence.]  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "Next question: Why does the Tonberry King's crown float?"  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "Simple. You just have to be well-versed in quantum   
  
para-magical physics. It's all about the inner energy quanta that the   
  
Tonberry King, being a very magically-inclined creature that he is, has a   
  
lot of. Whereas humans need to gather a tremendous amount of mental focus in   
  
order to get their aura of magic to reach a critical mass and then detonate   
  
in the desired manifestation on an attack, the Tonberry King naturally   
  
exudes such an aura. Therefore making his crown hover comes as easy to him   
  
as it is for us to breath air. He probably doesn't even realize that it's   
  
floating half the time. Mind you, this is the Brekenridge-Lovecraft theory.   
  
There is another theory, not so different from the aforementioned one, that   
  
was pioneered by some Odine guy. He advocates that since there is so much   
  
quantum magic in the Tonberry King that it acts like a massive   
  
electromagentic field. The air around him is so saturated with this magical   
  
charge that his crown is lifted off his head by this EMF. And interestingly   
  
enough, this same EMF is what keeps the crown from being catapulted off or   
  
lingering in the air whenever the Tonberry King turns and walks around. The   
  
crown is caught in this quantum magic vacuum of sorts and is pulled along   
  
wherever the King goes. Everybody with me so far?"  
  
Chibi-Corvus: o.O; "......"  
  
Chibi-Beans: --;  "Simple, he says."  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "Well, it's either that, or the Tonberry King is really the   
  
reincarnation of illusionist David Copperfield. Maybe we could book him for   
  
a couple of shows in Galbadia and Balamb City."  
  
Chibi-Beans: [eyebrow twitch!] "Frighteningly enough, even though I didn't   
  
understand the first answer you gave, I like it a lot better than what you   
  
just suggested."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: ^-^v "I understood it."  
  
Chibi-Enju: "How about you come over to my place and...(^^) teach it to me?"  
  
Demonic Chibi-Kei: :( "HENTAI!"  
  
[The evil raging demonic she-bitch that is currently Chibi-Kei proceeds to   
  
jump on Chibi-Enju. Fists, feet and dust fly, interrupted occasionally by   
  
Chibi-Enju shouting for someone to call Doctor Kadowaki!]  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "When did this classroom fill up?"  
  
Chibi-Beans: ^^; "Um...next question! Does the Tonberry King have any   
  
singing talent?"  
  
Tonberry King: [singing Jingle Bells] "Doink doink doink, doink doink doink,   
  
doink doink doink doink-doink!  
  
Chibi-Chaos: "I'll take that as a big 'no'."  
  
Chibi-Corvus: "I think I like the badly dubbed samurai Tonberry better."  
  
Chibi-Beans: o.O "I fear."  
  
[Chibi-Kei and Chibi-Enju stop fighting long enough to puzzle over a   
  
Tonberry singing Jingle Bells.]  
  
Chibi-Kei: [aside to Chibi-Enju] "This game is doomed if he decides to try   
  
out for The Three Tenors."  
  
Chibi-Enju: o.O; [ack!] "I can't feel my arms anymore!"  
  
Chibi-Kei: "Oh, quit being such a baby. I only hit six of your body's seven   
  
vital pressure points. Take it like a man."  
  
[Cue the great fanfare, ripped off of Nobuo Uematsu's soundtrack to FFVI!   
  
Chibis Quistis, Enju, and Kei are suddenly standing behind Jepoardy contestant   
  
podiums, each with a buzzer in their hand.]  
  
Chibi-Beans: "Final Question Time!"  
  
Chibi-Corvus: [hey, he could be Alex Trebek] "For 3000 gil, can you name   
  
Tonberry's ultimate attack? And remember, you have to give your answer in   
  
the form of a question."  
  
Chibi-Quistis: ^^v "SeeD classroom sessions should always be this fun!"  
  
Chibi-Kei: [clicking vehemently on her buzzer] "I think mine's broken."  
  
Chibi-Enju: [sprawled out limp on the ground] "Kei, do mind un-paralyzing   
  
me? Or else just drape me over the podium so I can press the buzzer with my   
  
tongue?"  
  
[Before anyone can buzz in the door slides open and a VERY pissed off   
  
Chibi-Xu comes in!]  
  
Chibi-Chaos: o.O; "Uh oh, I think we're about to get it demonstrated."  
  
[Chibi-Xu chases the authors off!]  
  
Chibi-Quistis: [clicking on the buzzer, but no one is there to tell her to   
  
answer] "Anoooo...What is Everyone's Grudge?"  
  
[End!] 


End file.
